FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #26 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): email@example.com (eener on irc) Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): firstname.lastname@example.org (melvan on irc) Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM) --DP's brother & computer expert (elvis on irc) FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ This week we bring you two very special fairy tales...rewritten Wisconsin-Style. Beware. Little Red Riding Hood- as interpreted by a Wisconsinite Written by, DP One day Little Red Riding Hood's mother gave her a basket of food to take to her ailing, frostbitten grandmother in the woods. Little Red's mother told her to wear lots of warm clothing, but Little Red didn't listen to her because she'd heard the weather man on TV say that it was going to be a nice day. So Little Red went out without her coat- just her red hood. Unfortunately, before she got more than ten feet from her front door, she froze to death. Another case of the weather man being DEAD WRONG. Goldilocks and the 3 bears...Wisconsin style Written by XX Once upon a time there lived three bears in the beautiful state of Wisconsin. They were depressed because they weren't cows, so they went to see a psychologist named Goldilocks....here is their story... In the psychologist's office... Goldi has just finished eating tuna casserole, and pops in a tic-tac. Goldi: Hello bears! Sorry, you just caught me at the end of lunch! Mama, Papa & Baby: *double take* Hey! Don't I know you from some other life? You were wide-eyed and sleeping in our house!! Goldi: *slaps their faces* Nope! You all are just realitizing your fantasies...*puts on glasses* How may I help you? Mama: I feel out of place here in Wisconsin...I wish to be a cow. Papa: Me too! Baby: That goes for me too! *Goldi laughs mysteriously, says some magic words and transforms them into cows* *Freud runs by wearing a slip* Mama, Papa & Baby: MOO! The end. ---------- Is your drinking water safe? Take this quiz. 1) Do you have drinking water? 2) Is it safe? Interpreting the results: If you answered "yes" to both of these questions, rest east and have a glass of ice water- it's safe! If not...."Hey, Culligan Man!" #################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, nothing happened. We took a week off from writing it. But the week before, they were in an antiques store in the middle of Iowa...about to be blown to bits by a spaceship crashing into the earth any minute...and Arnold Schwarzeneggar was going to save them from it.... Scene: Surrealistic painting. Raul: Er.... XX: I feel it is my duty to inform all of you that we are changing the plot of this ridiculous cyber-soap right now... *poof* (Fade into a new scene. Everyone is standing on a bridge over a large lake.) Al: Huh? Howard: Yeah, what he said. Buffy: So what's our new plot? Esmerelda: Don't know yet...these writers never tell us anything until it's too late... I.M.: Buy my video!! Raul: What? I.M.: I said, buy my video!! Al: Whatever. (Al pushes I.M. off the bridge) I.M.: EEEEEkkkk!! Buy my book!! *splash* (I.M. crawls out of the water and pouts) I.M.: I'm going home! I don't want to play with you anymore! (I.M. leaves the stage, never to be seen again...) Buffy: Whew! I'm glad he's gone! He was starting to get on my nerves. Esmerelda: Ah, he'll be back.... I.M.: I'm back!! Esmerelda: Whew! That was quick! Did you bring us pizza? Buffy: *bursts into tears* Raul: OK, guys...let's go. Howard: Where are we going? Raul: Crazy. Al: Where's that? (Scene fades into a new scene...the town of Crazy) *Esmerelda realizes she's not normal anymore...* Esmerelda: Why do I have green hair? Al: I just saw that thought bubble above your head, Esmerelda... what does "normal" mean???? Raul: Normal is not a word here in the town of Crazy...*starts singing* I, I, I, oughtta know!! I'm the mayor! Buffy: Raul, shut up. Raul: No way! I'm the mayor! I don't have to shut up! In fact, I can put you in jail for telling me to shut up! Buffy: Well, do it then! Raul: Fine, I will! (scene fades to the jailhouse) Buffy: (screaming) LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! Join us next time, when. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email email@example.com with your questions Dear Wise Sage, Is it true that the comet Hyaukatatertot is the result of a top secret government project to attempt to launch leftover marshmallows into the sun? Is this something I should write to my Congressperson about? Staying puft in Georgia. Dear Staying, Actually, this particular comet is not made of marshmallows. No...it is a far more dangerous substance. I'm sure you may have guessed it by now...SPAM! The government became aware of the world's overstocking of this er, food product and decided to launch the excess amount of it into outerspace. If this comet crashes anywhere near you, do not, I repeat DO NOT go near it...it may be emitting noxious fumes. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Why don't more people respect the Monkey Rights Movement? Do humans feel that mammals with more hair are somehow inferior? Larry Monkeyhead Dear Larry Monkeyhead, The short answer to your question: yes. Wise Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org Deep Thoughts By Alex K A chasm Peering deeply Slipping forward F a l l i n g Stopped...*SPLAT* Random Thoughts By Alex K Everyone has those moments when they just wonder about everything. When I'm in one of those moods, I often wonder: what if we're all just part of someone's dream? Then what happens when they wake up? Actually, there are several deeper implications behind these questions, such as: What exactly did they eat before going to bed? What type of bed are they in? Do they snore? When things go wrong, is it because of something they ate? I'm going to try to answer some of these concerns now, one at a time. I'll start with the hardest question first. What exactly did they eat? What, indeed. My personal theory is that it had a little too much hot sauce on it, and was rather indigestable, and is just rolling around in the stomach of the dreamer, causing this prolonged dream-ridden state. In fact, I am almost convinced that it was an italian-sausage, hot pepper, and spicy sauce pizza (BURP!). (oops...) What type of bed are they in? Well, you can be sure it's not a water bed (and be thankful, too.. I'd hate to be wet all the time) and a comfortable bed of any sort is absolutely out of the question, meaning it must have been a college dorm bed. No questions at all... Do they snore? Well, as a mathematically minded person, I'd have to say, yes. The use of snoring as a method of generation of paranormal phenomena is finitely documented and eminently logical. In other words, how else can we explain the stuff that happens? Finally, and most importantly, when things go wrong, is it because of something they ate? "Well, of course it is! don't be so ridiculous Cousin Larry!" (Balki off Perfect Strangers) Everyone needs a scapegoat, and what better way to explain to my parents why I didn't do well on that test? "Well, my dreamer had too much Italian sausage for supper..." So I feel the case has been concluded: A spicy Italian pizza, a dorm bed, and a snorer. Now if we could only find out exactly who that is... ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Well guys...it was bound to happen again sometime...DP (melvan) is going to be at a different address in the near future...stay tuned for more details. BTW, DP would like to officially change her pen name to melvan... any objections? Didn't think so...motion carried!! Also, melvan is in the midst of paying her brother for his computer... he's upgrading...soon she'll have her own computer!! And XX's mom is thinking about getting a computer, too...so we won't have to come down to these computer labs to use the computer much anymore.... Just bragging a little... ------------------------ Editor's Recommendations ------------------------ We have the following recommendations to make to you, the few, the proud, the readers of FME... XX recommends... the album "Delusions of Grandeur" by Fleming and John... very cool tunes here!!! Alternative, and ummm...well... they are just really cool. *grin* (melvan comments: groovy, too) melvan recommends... The brand new album "Bad Hair Day" by "Weird Al" Yankovic... If you've heard Weird Al in the past, what can I say? If you haven't heard him, then pick up this album very soon! Includes parodies of "Waterfalls" by TLC, "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio, and much, much more!! XX (and melvan) also recommend... The movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"...if you want lots of laughs and good one-liners, and blatant silliness, rent this movie!!! melvan also recommends... IRC (internet relay chat). What can I say? It's groovy. You meet all kinds of cool people there! melvan and XX (or eener, as you please) also also recommend (blatant MP & the Holy Grail reference)... Any albums by Steve Taylor!! ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Contagious Yawn --------------- yawn Yawwn Yawwwwwwwn! Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn!!! XX Blue ---- I painted my walls blue because I have no better subject for this poem. XX Frustration of a Female ----------------------- Too red Too pink I can't find the right shade of lipstick! I found one once... but ate it and died. Why are you reading this? Go duct tape something. XX BGT revisited ------------- The sun rises on the distant horizon... the birds fly in the blue, blue sky... You come to my mind, as you wave your mutilated Michael Jackson tape... XX :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).