Issue #26, 15 April 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #26
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The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(elvis on irc)

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This week we bring you two very special fairy tales...rewritten
Wisconsin-Style.  Beware.

Little Red Riding Hood- as interpreted by a Wisconsinite

Written by, DP

One day Little Red Riding Hood's mother gave her a basket of
food to take to her ailing, frostbitten grandmother in the
woods.  Little Red's mother told her to wear lots of warm
clothing, but Little Red didn't listen to her because she'd
heard the weather man on TV say that it was going to be a nice
day.  So Little Red went out without her coat- just her red
hood. Unfortunately, before she got more than ten feet from her
front door, she froze to death.  Another case of the weather man
being DEAD WRONG.

Goldilocks and the 3 bears...Wisconsin style

Written by XX

Once upon a time there lived three bears in the beautiful state
of Wisconsin.  They were depressed because they weren't cows, so
they went to see a psychologist named Goldilocks....here is
their story...

In the psychologist's office...

Goldi has just finished eating tuna casserole, and pops in a
tic-tac.

Goldi:  Hello bears!  Sorry, you just caught me at the end of
lunch!
Mama, Papa & Baby:  *double take*  Hey!  Don't I know you from
some other life?  You were wide-eyed and sleeping in our house!!
Goldi:  *slaps their faces*  Nope!  You all are just realitizing
your fantasies...*puts on glasses*  How may I help you?
Mama:  I feel out of place here in Wisconsin...I wish to be a
cow.
Papa:  Me too!
Baby:  That goes for me too!

*Goldi laughs mysteriously, says some magic words and transforms
them into cows*

*Freud runs by wearing a slip*

Mama, Papa & Baby:  MOO!

The end.

----------

Is your drinking water safe?  Take this quiz.

1)  Do you have drinking water?

2)  Is it safe?

Interpreting the results:  If you answered "yes" to both of
these questions, rest east and have a glass of ice water- it's
safe!  If not...."Hey, Culligan Man!"

####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty:  played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern:  played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen:  played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, nothing happened.  We took a week off from
writing it.  But the week before, they were in an antiques store
in the middle of Iowa...about to be blown to bits by a spaceship
crashing into the earth any minute...and Arnold Schwarzeneggar
was going to save them from it....

Scene:  Surrealistic painting.

Raul:  Er....
XX:  I feel it is my duty to inform all of you that we are
changing the plot of this ridiculous cyber-soap right now...
*poof*
(Fade into a new scene.  Everyone is standing on a bridge over a
large lake.)
Al:  Huh?
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
Buffy:  So what's our new plot?
Esmerelda:  Don't know yet...these writers never tell us
anything until it's too late...
I.M.:  Buy my video!!
Raul:  What?
I.M.:  I said, buy my video!!
Al:  Whatever.
(Al pushes I.M. off the bridge)
I.M.:  EEEEEkkkk!!  Buy my book!!
*splash*
(I.M. crawls out of the water and pouts)
I.M.:  I'm going home!  I don't want to play with you anymore!
(I.M. leaves the stage, never to be seen again...)
Buffy:  Whew!  I'm glad he's gone!  He was starting to get on my
nerves.
Esmerelda:  Ah, he'll be back....
I.M.:  I'm back!!
Esmerelda:  Whew!  That was quick!  Did you bring us pizza?
Buffy:  *bursts into tears*
Raul:  OK, guys...let's go.
Howard:  Where are we going?
Raul:  Crazy.
Al:  Where's that?
(Scene fades into a new scene...the town of Crazy)
*Esmerelda realizes she's not normal anymore...*
Esmerelda:  Why do I have green hair?
Al:  I just saw that thought bubble above your head,
Esmerelda... what does "normal" mean????
Raul:  Normal is not a word here in the town of Crazy...*starts
singing* I, I, I, oughtta know!!  I'm the mayor!
Buffy:  Raul, shut up.
Raul:  No way!  I'm the mayor!  I don't have to shut up!  In
fact, I can put you in jail for telling me to shut up!
Buffy:  Well, do it then!
Raul:  Fine, I will!
(scene fades to the jailhouse)
Buffy:  (screaming) LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Join us next time, when.


***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

Is it true that the comet Hyaukatatertot is the result of a top
secret government project to attempt to launch leftover
marshmallows into the sun?  Is this something I should write to
my Congressperson about?

Staying puft in Georgia.

Dear Staying,

Actually, this particular comet is not made of marshmallows.
No...it is a far more dangerous substance.  I'm sure you may
have guessed it by now...SPAM!  The government became aware of
the world's overstocking of this er, food product and decided to
launch the excess amount of it into outerspace.  If this comet
crashes anywhere near you, do not, I repeat DO NOT go near
it...it may be emitting noxious fumes.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why don't more people respect the Monkey Rights Movement?  Do
humans feel that mammals with more hair are somehow inferior?

Larry Monkeyhead

Dear Larry Monkeyhead,

The short answer to your question:  yes.

Wise Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

Deep Thoughts
By Alex K

A chasm
Peering deeply
Slipping forward
F
 a
  l
  l
  i
  n
  g
Stopped...*SPLAT*

Random Thoughts
By Alex K

Everyone has those moments when they just wonder about
everything.  When I'm in one of those moods, I often wonder:
what if we're all just part of someone's dream?  Then what
happens when they wake up? Actually, there are several deeper
implications behind these questions, such as:  What exactly did
they eat before going to bed?  What type of bed are they in?  Do
they snore?  When things go wrong, is it because of something
they ate?  I'm going to try to answer some of these concerns
now, one at a time.  I'll start with the hardest question
first.  What exactly did they eat?
What, indeed.  My personal theory is that it had a little too
much hot sauce on it, and was rather indigestable, and is just
rolling around in the stomach of the dreamer, causing this
prolonged dream-ridden state. In fact, I am almost convinced
that it was an italian-sausage, hot pepper, and spicy sauce
pizza (BURP!). (oops...)
What type of bed are they in?  Well, you can be sure it's not a
water bed (and be thankful, too.. I'd hate to be wet all the
time) and a comfortable bed of any sort is absolutely out of the
question, meaning it must have been a college dorm bed.  No
questions at all...
Do they snore?  Well, as a mathematically minded person, I'd
have to say, yes.  The use of snoring as a method of generation
of paranormal phenomena is finitely documented and eminently
logical.  In other words, how else can we explain the stuff that
happens?
Finally, and most importantly, when things go wrong, is it
because of something they ate? "Well, of course it is! don't be
so ridiculous Cousin Larry!" (Balki off Perfect Strangers)
Everyone needs a scapegoat, and what better way to explain to my
parents why I didn't do well on that test? "Well, my dreamer had
too much Italian sausage for supper..." So I feel the case has
been concluded: A spicy Italian pizza, a dorm bed, and a
snorer.  Now if we could only find out exactly who that is...


------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Well guys...it was bound to happen again sometime...DP (melvan)
is going to be at a different address in the near future...stay
tuned for more details.

BTW, DP would like to officially change her pen name to
melvan... any objections?  Didn't think so...motion carried!!

Also, melvan is in the midst of paying her brother for his
computer... he's upgrading...soon she'll have her own
computer!!  And XX's mom is thinking about getting a computer,
too...so we won't have to come down to these computer labs to
use the computer much anymore....

Just bragging a little...

------------------------
Editor's Recommendations
------------------------

We have the following recommendations to make to you, the few,
the proud, the readers of FME...

XX recommends...
the album "Delusions of Grandeur" by Fleming and John...
very cool tunes here!!!  Alternative, and ummm...well... they
are just really cool.  *grin* (melvan comments:  groovy, too)

melvan recommends...
The brand new album "Bad Hair Day" by "Weird Al" Yankovic... If
you've heard Weird Al in the past, what can I say?  If you
haven't heard him, then pick up this album very soon!  Includes
parodies of "Waterfalls" by TLC, "Gangsta's Paradise" by
Coolio, and much, much more!!

XX (and melvan) also recommend...
The movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"...if you want lots
of laughs and good one-liners, and blatant silliness, rent this movie!!!

melvan also recommends...
IRC (internet relay chat).  What can I say?  It's groovy.  You
meet all kinds of cool people there!

melvan and XX (or eener, as you please) also also recommend
(blatant MP & the Holy Grail reference)...
Any albums by Steve Taylor!!

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Contagious Yawn
---------------

yawn
Yawwn
Yawwwwwwwn!
Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn!!!

XX

Blue
----

I painted my walls
blue
because I have
no better
subject
for this poem.

XX

Frustration of a Female
-----------------------

Too red
Too pink
I can't find
the right shade
of lipstick!
I found one
once...
but ate it
and died.
Why are you reading this?
Go duct tape something.

XX

BGT revisited
-------------

The sun rises
on the distant
horizon...
the birds fly
in the blue, blue sky...
You come to my mind,
as you wave your mutilated
Michael Jackson tape...

XX

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Come visit the Macheen Shed:
http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

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