FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #25 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): email@example.com (eener on irc) Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): firstname.lastname@example.org (melvan on irc) Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM) --DP's brother & computer expert (elvis on irc) FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hello again to another fun-filled edition of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine!! We certainly hope we didn't scare you last week into thinking that we were actually going to quit doing this every week...we'd die if we tried. And if we did scare you and you didn't read down to the part where it says "April fools", then, well, it's your fault! Hahahaha!!! Yesterday was a very important day around the world. It is the day when Christians celebrate Jesus rising from the dead after his death. Being Christians ourselves, this is very important to us as well. Because of this holiday and the fact that we were both busy most of the weekend and didn't get to write much, ATTB is taking a break this week.... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email email@example.com with your questions Dear Wise Sage, What would be the top ten indications that you are turning into a chicken fajitia? What is the best recipe for bratookies? Panthera Dear Panthera, Actually, there is only one indication that you are turning into a chicken fajita...if you shake your head, and lettuce shavings fall out of your hair...you might be a chicken fajita! As for your bratookie question: here is the best recipe I have on file: ingredients: two half-cooked brats, a pan of mooshy chocolate chip cookies. Directions: Take the two half-cooked brats, and drop them on the chocolate chip cookies. When they are well-coated in chocolate chip cookie stuff, take them, put them in buns and eat them!! They taste great served with mayonnaise-cucumber salad! Wise Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org Remember that episode of Numbers & the Magic Dragon? Well, it has a sequel... Hi there, Ready or not here's #2. ------------------------------- Numbers and the Magic Dragon... ------------------------------- This conversation was recorded on an ancient visual recording cassette dug up recently by archaeologists, on what is thought to be the cave of the Loch Ness Monster. How it got there is anybody's guess. Some people suggest that this might prove a link between Atlantis and the Loch Ness Monster, but since neither exist, never did exist, and never will exist, the theory was immediately dismissed. Since this document would prove the existence of Atlantis it cannot exist either, and therefore you are not reading it... PRESS PLAY ON THE RECORDING DEVICE- ... *krssshhhh, shtrsssh, shsssshhss, hissss, Nu..e-s, static burst* Voice : heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp... *Magic Dragon slides out of a garbage chute into the musty tomb's deep dark damp centre, deep below the city of Atlantis.* Dragon : Hey neat incinerator. *brushes self off, looks around* Voice (from far away getting louder) :Argggggghhhhh..... Voice : ARGHHHHHHHHH *trapdoor opens in floor of the tombs and Numbers falls out of it crashing into the ceiling* Dragon : *stares at numbers, lying senseless on the ceiling* Hey Numbers, did you ever do gravity in school? Numbers : Gravity? Gravity? What's Gravity? Dragon : *looks around, sees an encyclopaedia on the garbage heap, opens to a page, and hands it to Numbers.* Numbers : *reading* Very interesting.... Numbers : *thinking* Numbers : Arrggghhh *thump, he lands on the floor* Numbers : Ouch... Dragon : Tee Hee Numbers : Sadist Dragon : We have to stop meeting like this. Numbers : Its not really my fault is it. Dragon : Well, its not MY fault either. Someone else must arrange these AMATS. Numbers : AMATS? Dragon : Accidental Meetings Across Time and Space. Numbers : Oh? Dragon : But why would anybody want a cute green alien with compound eyes, and a purple magic dragon to keep meeting? Numbers : By the way, why Do they call you magic? Dragon : Everything about me is magical, how else could someone like me survive in this universe? Numbers : Easy, be green, cute, and have compound eyes. Dragon : And get thrown about time, space and ceilings the whole time. I can see the logic in that. Numbers : So where are we? Dragon : Looks like some kind of deserted tomb under the city of Atlantis, filled with moss and ancient machinery. Numbers : You're right, this must be the foundation of the great city of Atlantis, where it all started. It was here that an entire civilisation started on its journey to reach utopia. This is a historic moment! *Awed silence descends, stands around in a corner for while looking befuddled, then thinks better of it and leaves.* Dragon : huh? Numbers : *still awed* Imagine, we me must be in the tomb the Atlantians built for the founder of their civilisation, so that he might rest in eternal peace and silence. See how they honour their leaders. *clickity-clack... CLICKETY CLACK - WOOOOSH - Clickckety clack, a subway train rushes past.* Dragon : Yeah, then they developed the subway system through it. Numbers : Hey look at this, its his coffin. Dragon : Who's coffin? Numbers : The founders coffin, and there's an inscription on it. - inscription reads : HERE LIES THE GREAT DIEMOS, CREATOR OF DEMOCRACY, WORSHIPPED FOREVER BY HIS PEOPLE, WHO REMAIN ETERNALLY GRATEFUL FOR HIS CONTRIBUTION TO.... TO.... TO.... NEVER MIND Dragon : Wow it must be difficult to create a whole political system and become respected like him. Numbers : *continues reading* DIEMOS DIED AT THE AGE OF THREE. Dragon : Hey let's find out more about his guy, where's that encyclopaedia? Numbers : *retrieves encyclopaedia from ceiling* Perhaps we'd better teach the book about gravity as well. Dragon : Some other time. Numbers : *reading out* DIEMOS - Founder of Atlantian civilisation, born ... a long time ago, (no dating system put into practice then [The concept of time was still being developed]) He invented Democracy at the age of two, and proceeded, using his special ability with which he created democracy , to develop the perfect power station. At the grand opening, the power station developed an electrical fault, but since it was programmed to be perfect, it drew up a constitution, started a six month democratic negotiation period, had an internal general election, and blew up. Diemos died in the explosion. Dragon : *sneezes and incinerates the encyclopaedia* Great, I've got a cold. Why can't anyone ever build a nice warm insulated COMFORTABLE tomb? Numbers : The job description of a tomb architect requires you to be a sadist. Dragon : Yeah trust architects to be like that. Numbers : *looking around* So what now? Dragon : Well, I was eating lunch before I fell into that infernal garbage chute. Numbers : Pray, do tell how you fell into a garbage chute whilst eating lunch? Dragon : I work in the waste department of MacDonald's Intergalactic Inc. I have to throw all the unwanted free give-away kiddies toys down the chute. So I took my lunch break, and sat down on the edge of the chute. I slipped on one of those idiotic toy cars and fell in. The worst is, I left my real 100% home-made sandwich which tastes better than the half-eaten half-price burger I get as part of the job deal behind, and now I'M HUNGRY. Numbers : So we have to get out of here, or else you'll become extremely irritable, and hibernate until I find food for you. Dragon : Yeah... that about sums it up. Numbers : *looks around again* Well maybe this machine will help. * Numbers looms larger and larger in the picture, and steps over the recording device* Numbers : No just a candy machine. Won't help us get out of here. Dragon : Candy? Numbers : Yeah, no use to us really. *steps back into view* Dragon : But .... Candy.... Numbers : Please, quiet I'm thinking. Dragon : Yes, I know, I can smell the smoke. Now that candy machine... Numbers : It takes Atlantian currency Dragon, I have thought about it. Now what are these buttons? Dragon : But I have an Atlantian coin here. It was one of those lousy MacDonald's gifts. Numbers : Hmmm... *presses a button. nothing happens* Dragon : *inserts MacDonald's coin into candy machine* *candy machine displays message `Please don't do that again', screens in the wall come on displaying views of Atlantis.* Numbers : Wonderful, look at this technology. Dragon : Come on you blasted machine give me my CANDY. Numbers : How about this one. It says `Use only in case of emergency', hah, ha, I know these. Stupid party jokes, you press the button, and out comes a flag saying `Only in case of emergency stupid!' *presses the button* Narrator: Powerful mechanisms, buried deep beneath the swirling oceans since the founding of great Atlantis, answer the mighty call of a pre-set programme, set on its fateful course with formidable accuracy. Like a gigantic mountain of brute force, the sea that was calm and peaceful only a moments before, now pounds onto the walls of Atlantis. The gods open the heavens and fist sized hail stones thunder down onto the roofs, causing great chaos and destruction. The sky is filled with demonic clouds of thunder and the earth shakes as if it were possessed by raging fevers. And slowly, the great continent of Atlantis broken like a dying man slides into the gaping mouth of the beckoning sea. As the last pinnacles disappear beneath the swirling foam, the forces of nature return to calm and an unearthly silence descends. Numbers: Oops. Narrator: And so the fate of Atlantis is sealed. The greatest civilisation meets its doom. But wait! I see two small life rafts appearing! Maybe there is a survivor! Maybe something from the awesome technology has been saved! Maybe Atlantis can continue! I can see it now. Its.... Oh NO! No, NOT THEM! Arrghhh, they made it, NO! Don't tell me Number and the Dragon SURVIVED! NOOOOO..... *Pulls out a gun and shoots himself.* *The two lonely life rafts drift of in different directions, over the vast ocean.* And so our readers are left to ponder the highly intelectual value of this work, as they wonder when and where Numbers and The Magic Dragon will meet next. And if you aren't wondering any of this, congratulations, you've earned a sanity certificate. We would like to leave our readers with the four most important questions of life- Why? What? Who? and Why Me? Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) Come visit the Macheen Shed: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).