Issue #25, 8 April 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #25
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The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX):
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP):
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(elvis on irc)

FME on the web:

Hello again to another fun-filled edition of Farm Macheenery
(exploding) Magazine!!  We certainly hope we didn't scare you
last week into thinking that we were actually going to quit doing
this every week...we'd die if we tried.  And if we did scare you
and you didn't read down to the part where it says "April fools",
then, well, it's your fault!  Hahahaha!!!

Yesterday was a very important day around the world.  It is the
day when Christians celebrate Jesus rising from the dead after
his death.  Being Christians ourselves, this is very important
to us as well.  Because of this holiday and the fact that we were
both busy most of the weekend and didn't get to write much, ATTB
is taking a break this week....

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

What would be the top ten indications that you are turning into a chicken
fajitia?  What is the best recipe for bratookies?


Dear Panthera,

Actually, there is only one indication that you are turning into a chicken
fajita...if you shake your head, and lettuce shavings fall out of your might be a chicken fajita!  As for your bratookie question:  here
is the best recipe I have on file:
ingredients:  two half-cooked brats, a pan of mooshy chocolate chip cookies.
Directions:  Take the two half-cooked brats, and drop them on the chocolate
chip cookies.  When they are well-coated in chocolate chip cookie stuff,
take them, put them in buns and eat them!!  They taste great served with
mayonnaise-cucumber salad!

Wise Sage

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Remember that episode of Numbers & the Magic Dragon?  Well, it
has a sequel...

Hi there,
Ready or not here's #2.
Numbers and the Magic Dragon...

This conversation was recorded on an ancient visual recording
cassette dug up recently by  archaeologists, on what is thought
to be the cave of the Loch Ness Monster. How it got there is
anybody's guess. Some  people suggest that this might prove a
link between Atlantis and the Loch Ness Monster, but since
neither exist, never did exist, and never will exist, the theory
was immediately dismissed. Since this document would prove the
existence of Atlantis it cannot exist either, and therefore you
are not reading it...

*krssshhhh, shtrsssh, shsssshhss, hissss, Nu..e-s, static burst*

Voice : heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp...
*Magic Dragon slides out of a garbage chute into the musty
tomb's deep dark damp centre, deep below the city of Atlantis.*
Dragon : Hey neat incinerator. *brushes self off, looks around*
Voice (from far away getting louder) :Argggggghhhhh.....
*trapdoor opens in floor of the tombs and Numbers falls out of
it crashing into the ceiling*
Dragon : *stares at numbers, lying senseless on the ceiling* Hey
Numbers, did you ever do gravity in school?
Numbers : Gravity? Gravity? What's Gravity?
Dragon : *looks around, sees an encyclopaedia on the garbage
heap, opens to a page, and hands it to Numbers.*
Numbers : *reading* Very interesting....
Numbers : *thinking*
Numbers : Arrggghhh *thump, he lands on the floor*
Numbers : Ouch...
Dragon : Tee Hee
Numbers : Sadist
Dragon : We have to stop meeting like this.
Numbers : Its not really my fault is it.
Dragon : Well, its not MY fault either. Someone else must
arrange these AMATS.
Numbers : AMATS?
Dragon : Accidental Meetings Across Time and Space.
Numbers : Oh?
Dragon : But why would anybody want a cute green alien with
compound eyes, and a purple magic dragon to keep meeting?
Numbers : By the way, why Do they call you magic?
Dragon : Everything about me is magical, how else could someone
like me survive in this universe?
Numbers : Easy, be green, cute, and have compound eyes.
Dragon : And get thrown about time, space and ceilings the whole
time. I can see the logic in that.
Numbers : So where are we?
Dragon : Looks like some kind of deserted tomb under the city of
Atlantis, filled with moss and ancient machinery.
Numbers : You're right, this must be the foundation of the great
city of Atlantis, where it all started. It was here that an
entire civilisation started on its journey to reach utopia. This
is a historic moment!
*Awed silence descends, stands around in a corner for while
looking befuddled, then thinks better of it and leaves.*
Dragon : huh?
Numbers : *still awed* Imagine, we me must be in the tomb the
Atlantians built for the founder of their civilisation, so that
he might rest in eternal peace and silence. See how they honour
their leaders.
*clickity-clack... CLICKETY CLACK - WOOOOSH - Clickckety clack,
a subway train rushes past.*
Dragon : Yeah, then they developed the subway system through it.
Numbers : Hey look at this, its his coffin.
Dragon : Who's coffin?
Numbers : The founders coffin, and there's  an inscription on it.

- inscription reads :

Dragon : Wow it must be difficult to create a whole political
system and become respected like him.
Numbers : *continues reading*
Dragon : Hey let's find out more about his guy, where's that
Numbers : *retrieves encyclopaedia from ceiling* Perhaps we'd
better teach the book about gravity as well.
Dragon : Some other time.
Numbers : *reading out* DIEMOS - Founder of Atlantian
civilisation, born ... a long time ago, (no dating system put
into practice then [The concept of time was still being
developed]) He invented Democracy at the age of two, and
proceeded, using his special ability with which he created
democracy , to develop the perfect power station. At the grand
opening, the power station developed an electrical fault, but
since it was programmed to be perfect, it drew up a
constitution, started a six month democratic negotiation period,
had an internal general election, and blew up. Diemos died in
the explosion.
Dragon : *sneezes and incinerates the encyclopaedia* Great, I've
got a cold. Why can't anyone ever build a nice warm insulated
Numbers : The job description of a tomb architect requires you
to be a sadist.
Dragon : Yeah trust architects to be like that.
Numbers : *looking around* So what now?
Dragon : Well, I was eating lunch before I fell into that
infernal garbage chute.
Numbers : Pray, do tell how you fell into a garbage chute whilst
eating lunch?
Dragon : I work in the waste department of MacDonald's
Intergalactic Inc. I have to throw all the unwanted free
give-away kiddies toys down the chute. So I took my lunch break,
and sat down on the edge of the chute. I slipped on one of those
idiotic toy cars and fell in. The worst is, I left my real 100%
home-made sandwich which tastes better than the half-eaten
half-price burger I get as part of the job deal behind, and now
Numbers : So we have to get out of here, or else you'll become
extremely irritable, and hibernate until I find food for you.
Dragon : Yeah... that about sums it up.
Numbers : *looks around again* Well maybe this machine will help.
* Numbers looms larger and larger in the picture, and steps over
the recording device*
Numbers : No just a candy machine. Won't help us get out of here.
Dragon : Candy?
Numbers : Yeah, no use to us really. *steps back into view*
Dragon : But .... Candy....
Numbers : Please, quiet I'm thinking.
Dragon : Yes, I know, I can smell the smoke. Now that candy machine...
Numbers : It takes Atlantian currency Dragon, I have thought
about it. Now what are these buttons?
Dragon : But I have an Atlantian coin here. It was one of those
lousy MacDonald's gifts.
Numbers : Hmmm... *presses a button. nothing happens*
Dragon : *inserts MacDonald's coin into candy machine*
*candy machine displays message `Please don't do that again',
screens in the wall come on displaying views of Atlantis.*
Numbers : Wonderful, look at this technology.
Dragon : Come on you blasted machine give me my CANDY.
Numbers : How about this one. It says `Use only in case of
emergency', hah, ha, I know these. Stupid party jokes, you press
the button, and out comes a flag saying `Only in case of
emergency stupid!' *presses the button*

Narrator: Powerful mechanisms, buried deep beneath the swirling
oceans since the founding of great Atlantis, answer the mighty
call of a pre-set programme, set on its fateful course with
formidable accuracy.
Like a gigantic mountain of brute force, the sea that was calm
and peaceful only a moments before, now pounds onto the walls of
Atlantis. The gods open the heavens and fist sized hail stones
thunder down onto the roofs, causing great chaos and
destruction. The sky is filled with demonic clouds of thunder
and the earth shakes as if it were possessed by raging fevers.
And slowly, the great continent of Atlantis broken like a dying
man slides into  the gaping mouth of the beckoning sea. As the
last pinnacles disappear beneath the swirling foam, the forces
of nature return to calm and an unearthly silence descends.

Numbers: Oops.

Narrator: And so the fate of Atlantis is sealed. The greatest
civilisation meets its doom. But wait! I see two small life
rafts appearing! Maybe there is a survivor! Maybe something from
the awesome technology has been saved! Maybe Atlantis can
continue! I can see it now. Its.... Oh NO! No, NOT THEM!
Arrghhh, they made it, NO! Don't tell me Number and the Dragon

*Pulls out a gun and shoots himself.*

*The two lonely life rafts drift of in different directions,
over the vast ocean.*

And so our readers are left to ponder the highly intelectual
value of this work, as they wonder when and where Numbers and
The Magic Dragon will meet next. And if you aren't wondering any
of this, congratulations, you've earned a sanity certificate.
We would like to leave our readers with the four most important
questions of life-
and Why Me?
Thank you.


Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


Come visit the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).