Issue #24, 1 April 1996

MoldySpam       M       M       XX's car
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       sucks!             Issue #24
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX):
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP):
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(elvis on irc)

FME on the web:

Welcome to yet another issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding).
This isn't just any ordinary issue, though.  This is the issue
where the writers reveal their true identities....Ross Perot and
Mr. Rogers!!!!!  Hahahahahaha!!!  (actually, it's not XX who
looks like Mr.'s her dad...seriously!)  No,
actually, this is thesix month issue of FME!!!!  So....we'd like
to hear your thoughts!!  Here we have an itsy hyphen bitsy poll
for y'all to fill out, if you'd be so kind!!!  You may answer as
few or as many questions as you'd like!

1.  Where did you hear about FME?
2.  Why do guys always wear white socks?
3.  What do you like about FME?
4.  What could be improved on?
5.  this sentence ends with a preposition.
6.  disregard #5
7.  disregard #7
8.  What is your favorite section of FME?
9.  What country are you from?
10.  If the answer to #9 is USA, which state?

Just put yer answers on a piece of cyberpaper, and send 'em to

Unfortunately, this is also a very sad day for all of you 200
subscribers and us as well...this is going to be the very last
issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine.  We as writers
have decided that we are waaaaaaaaaaay too old for this sort of
stupidity, and we're going to grow up and write a new magazine
entitled "Analyzation of the infrastructure of 3rd World
Countries."  We are truly sorry to report this event, as we have
had soooooooo much fun writing it for half a year.  But it's
time to move on....

A Weather Report from Wisconsin...

by DP

Last Saturday, our snow was nearly gone!!  There were patches
here and there on the ground, but it was mostly gone...and the
grass was starting to turn green again!  But it was not to
last.... We woke up on Sunday morning to four inches of white
fluff...perfect for snowballs!  Then Sunday night, me & MM were
coming home from a play at a nearby church, and we got stuck in the
bottom of the driveway....  Monday morning when I woke up, MM was
still home--school was cancelled.  My mom went to work at noon
and immediately called home to say that I wouldn't be going to
work that night...roads were really really really bad.  And since
she's my mom and tends to worry a little, she wouldn't let me go
to work.  Also the fact that I drive her car to work might have
something to do with it...and I didn't really want to drive that
far in that kinda weather either....  But anyway, we had bad
weather this week!!!!  And now the snow is melting again!!!  And
I have pictures of three- and four-foot snowdrifts to prove it!!


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last time on ATTB, we found out that the "minister" who performed
the marriages of Raul & Esmerelda and I.M. & Buffy was, in fact,
the guy who created Windows 95, after which the church audience
turned into a lynch mob.  So they aren't really married after
all (which, by the way, they are very happy about).

In the antiques store....

I.M.:  WAIT!!  We can't go on, until they change the background
color!!  I HATE pink!!
(background changes back to multi-colored)
I.M.:  That's better!
(Andy Griffith walks in the front door of the antiques store)
Esmerelda:  *gasps*
(Barney Fife walks in the front door of the antiques store)
Esmerelda:  *gasps*
Esmerelda:  *faints*  *thud*
Buffy:  Oh noooooooo!  She fainted!!  Do you know what this
Howard:  Uhhhhh....does it have anything to do with the metric
Raul:  Oh, no!  It's Andy Griffith!  Esmerelda will *never* marry
me now!!
(Barney Fife walks around inspecting antiques with a fake
intelligent expression on his face, and then disappears in a pink
puff of smoke, as he is not needed for this episode)
(Esmerelda wakes up)
Andy Griffith:  Esmerelda, I came to tell you to marry
can't marry me, because I am truly, madly in love with that lady
that does the Lamb chop puppets!!
Esmerelda:  Okay, I'll do whatever you say.  Raul, MARRY ME
(church audience reappears in an astounding explosion of glitter)
Howard:  Wow!  I've never seen anyone reappear before!!
Member of church audience:  DO you know where we went when we
disappeared???? And do you know who was there????????  Sheesh!  I
even got to meet the Blues brothers!
I.M.:  Buffy, I'll change my name if you'll really marry me!!
Member of church audience:  When we disappeared, we ended up in
a runaway spaceship headed straight for the earth!  It's still
hurtling toward us and will blow us all to smithereens!
(Arnold Schwarzanegger walks into the antiques store)
Arnold:  I told you I'd be back!  I can save you from almost
certain destruction from the runaway spaceship}+++
I.M.: *Inspects the word bubble above Arnold's head*  Hey, what
are those odd symbols doing at the end of your sentence?
Arnold:  Oh, that's just linenoise.
I.M.:  Okay.
Al:  How come I don't have any lines in this episode?
Buffy:  Al, you're lagged!  Don't you know anything???
Al:  Why isn't anyone saying anything???
Raul:  Stick to the script, Al.
Arnold:  I feel it is my duty to inform the readers that the
preceding few lines were in irc-speak.  I also feel it is my duty
to inform you all that you should exercise and be healthy!!
Esmerelda:  Arnold, you said you could save us from the
spaceship!  DO IT BEFORE WE ALL DIE!!!!
Arnold:  I was just reading the script!  Don't yell at me!

Well, that's it for ATTB.  Does Arnold save the many people in
the antiques shop, or do they all get blown up with the
spaceship?  You may never know....

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

To the wise sage -
Why don't M&M's melt in your hand?

Cheers, James (The Magic Dragon)
And Steffen (Numbers)

To the Magic Dragon and Numbers:
the hands of humans excrete a special chemical called antimnmmelt.  This
chemical can sense when you are holding an M&M and interacts with the
chemicals in the shell of the candy to cause it not to melt.

Wise Sage

The Answers we Got to the Challenges from the Previous Issue

First of all, here are what the challenges were:

1.  A challenge to all of you...define "normal".  Email us if you can
think of any sort of description.

Mangrove Moose:  Ah. Well, the key to understanding "normal," as
with any scholarly attempt to understand words, is to break it
down into its components, thereby rendering it void of any
meaning. One can thus pour his/her/its own biases into the
definition, without fear of contradiction. (Sound uncomfortably
close to your profs, don't I?)
First attempt:  Divide it into its syllables, "Norm" and "Al." We
can thus see that a common condition is derived from common men.
One possible drawback to this reasoning, however, is that it
holds true only for men named "Norm" and "Al."
Second attempt:  an anagram. Rearranging the letters in "normal"
could yield "Moral-N." The challenge then becomes to find out
what "N" stands for. Best to call in a morality consultant, such
as Jerry Falwell.
Third attempt:  applying muscle power instead of mind power. If
this thinking turns your stomach, then maybe the problem is with
your stomach muscles -- "Ab-Normal."
Fourth attempt: a judicious letter swap. Exchanging "o" for "e"
would give us "Nermal," the name of Garfield's kitten friend.
Here we must abandon our search for the meaning of "normal."
After all, who can resist a cute li'l kitten? C'mere, it's my
turn to pet him!

Bill Brent:  the top point of a bell curve (used in statistics
to show a distribution)

IndieGyrl:  i used to be differnt but now different is trendy,
so now i am normal.  If i was different i would actually be
being normal.  i think i will start being normal and then i
won't be.

Someone whose name we forgot:  normal- there is no definition,
don't even try!

Bungalow Bill:  Normal, adj. of, relating to, or characterized
by average intelligence or development. Ie, not me.

2.  Another challenge to all:  What is the weirdest thing you have
used duct tape for?  Email us and let us know!

Bungalow Bill:  Last year at school, we had a Baritone Saxophone
that was pretty old. It had several tiny leaks in it, and rather
than spending money to fix it, I wrapped the neck in duct tape.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together. It can fix anything,
broken hearts, broken marriages, and yes, even a leaky Bari Sax.

IndieGyrl:  okay brace yourselves!!  once i used duct tape
to......tape something!  i am not joking, i really did.

Bill Brent:  to tape to the refrigerator floor a vertical piece
of plastic designed to separate vegetable bins in a refrigerator.

Mangrove Moose:  Tied up a duck with it. (Apologies to Weird Al

DP's funny duct tape story:  Last week while one of MM's friends
(Daniel) was on a senior skiing trip to Colorado, the trailer
roof started coming off.  It was hanging by one hinge.  (This is
the way I heard it from MM, who heard it from someone else.)
Anyway, they couldn't go much further or the roof would fall off.
So what does Daniel have with him but a roll of duct tape.  He
fixed the trailer roof and everyone lived happily ever after.
The end.

3.  The final challenge:  Define "Spam" in five words or less.

Someone whose name we forgot:  spam-  the combination of spooge
and jis (which for those of you who  don't speak that language
either, they are, in order, the two items of excretion from the

Mangrove Moose:  A weird concoction of meat and glue,
excessively crossposted on the Usenet.

Bill Brent:  compressed scrapmeat.

Bungalow Bill:  SPAM, n. Strategically Produced American Meat,
Slightly Processed All-Terrain Meat.  Any of a variety of
disgustingly weird and unidentifiable meats, especially in a
mixed combination and served in a cold slab. 2. v. the act of
spewing useless and irrelevant info into a newsgroup with no
worry about who it annoys. People who spam my groups get their
networks disabled.

DP (found this on a Spam web page):  Starving People Against

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email


You already know the most important FME news...
that FME is to be, in the future, a nonentity.  If you experience
withdrawal symptoms, go see your local shoe salesman.  Why?  We
don't know.  It just seemed like a stoopid thing to say.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


My brother put
some in a bowl
I told him to
drink it
but he wouldn't do it
so I drank applesauce.

DP--who actually *did* drink applesauce, just to see how it would didn't....

Under my Hood

There are ten squirrels fighting
under my hood
There is someone who just ate beans
under my hood
There is an exploding farm macheen
under my hood
There is a headbanger
under my hood
There is a very nervous person
inside the car.


Well, this very last issue of FME has been fun.  We hope you've
enjoyed this excursion into the fourth demention.  And we leave
you with these two words:


We had you there, didn't we?  See you next week!


FME is on the web at

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

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