Issue #23, 25 March 1996

give me         M       M       a very good
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
excuse          M  M M  M       to be              Issue #23
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       normal.....
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX):
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP):
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(bubbba on irc)

FME on the web:

Yay!!  It's officially spring here in the midwestern USA!  The
sky is blue and cloudless, and all the snow is melting!  :-)
We hope you all will have a great week!  We love all you zany

A challenge to all of you...define "normal".  Email us if you can
think of any sort of description.

Another challenge to all:  What is the weirdest thing you have
used duct tape for?  Email us and let us know!

The final challenge:  Define "Spam" in five words or less.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Special guest star...

Minister:  played by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Last week on ATTB, the marriage of Buffy & I.M. and Raul &
Esmerelda took place...but as soon as Buffy found out that I.M.
stands for "In Metric", well, she kinda left him hanging at the
altar.  And Esmerelda confessed that she was truly deeply madly
in love with Andy Griffith.

Inside the "Biggest Ball of Twine" church...

Bill Gates:  *bursts into the back doors of the church*
Hey!!!  *points to the minister*  This man is a fake!!
All but Bill:  *gasp*
Minister:  *looks around for an avenue of escape*
Bill Gates:  This man is *not* a minister!!  He's hiding from the
angry see, it is *him* that invented Windows '95,
not me!!!!
Minister:  Gee, thanks Bill.  What are college buddies for...
Howard:  What's Windows 95?
Raul:  It's a huge house made out of glass.  There's 95 windows
in it.
Bill Gates:  *shakes his head sadly*
Church Audience:  Let's get 'im!!!  *start running towards
Minister:  Eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

The entire church disappears, and the scene shifts to a small
antiques store in Iowa.

Inside the dusty, crowded antiques store...

Bill Gates:   Ummmmmm....
Esmerelda:  *speaking to Buffy*  You know what this means?  We're
not really married!!
Buffy:  What?
Esmerelda:  *yelling*  We're not married!!
Buffy:  What?
Esmerelda:  *screaming*  Put your Miracle Ear in, Buffy!
Buffy:  *putting in Miracle Ear*  Okay, now what were you saying?
Esmerelda:  We're not married to Raul and I.M.!!
Bill Gates:  May I interest any of you in a new computer?
Church Audience:  *gasp*  How'd we get here????
Raul:  Oh, weird things happen here, church audience....soon you
all will disappear in a blue poof of smoke.
Howard:  Yeah, these *(*^(^&* writers screw majorly with our
(suddenly, the entire church audience disappears in a purple poof
of smoke)
Raul:  Okay, so I miss one here and there...
Esmerelda:  Oooh!  A new color of smoke!  They must have
increased the special effects budget or something...
(suddenly, Bill Gates disappears in a gray puff of smoke... and
the entire scene turns to black and white)
Buffy:  Yeah, some special effects budget!
Minister:  How come I'm still here?
Al:  What, you want to leave?  If you'd like me to, I can shoot
Minister:  Would you?  Oh, thanks!
(Al shoots the "minister"...with a squirt gun)
Al:  What happened?  That's supposed to be a real gun!
Howard:  Yeah, but this is a low-violence type soap opera...
(Suddenly the Minister disappears in a white puff of smoke)
Buffy:  Okay, give us some color again!
(screen turns pink)
I.M.:  Pink?  That's not my color...

Join us next time...when something totally ridiculous happens...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

I'm having some trouble burning of the extra pounds that I put on after
eating 543 million sets of milk and cookies this Christmas.  Can you
recommend a good weight-loss plan?

Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

I would recommend what is known as the duct tape and Spam diet.  To do this
you will first need to purchase ten cans of Spam and a roll of duct tape.
Next, open all of the cans of Spam, and put them in a big pot to cook.  Then
duct tape your mouth shut.  Read the ingredients on one of the cans of Spam.
The knowledge of the Spam ingredients coupled with the smell of Spam will be
so unappetizing, you will have no desire to take the tape off your mouth.
Repeat these steps for each day of the diet.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Sometimes while I'm rolling pizza dough, it looks like Australia (the
continent).  How can I make it look like Australia (the country)?

Plastic Weedwhacker

Dear Plastic Weedwhacker,

Try using five rolling pins instead of one, and eat some grape taffy before
you attempt it.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

What culture came up with the "Pull my finger" line?
Isn't "wise sage" redundant? Just a little?

No signature

I have had my redundancy questioned before...and I said that two are better
than one, unless you're discussing politicians or lawyers.  It just means
that I am twice as smart.  As for the "Pull my finger" was
invented by aliens that lived in potato fields in Iowa.

Wise Sage Wise Sage

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

The following poems come to you from the pen of M. Dale Prins.

if Only

if Only i could find the wall in my mind that keeps me from expressing my
if Only I could find the hole in my heart that keeps me from finding true
if Only I could find the scar in my soul that keeps me from going on with my
but I can't.
too bad.

To Fly

If I could only fly
Way up in the sky when night is nigh.
By the sky I would fly,
Flapping my wings like a fly that could fly.
What a great guy I could be if I'd fly.
The girls would sigh and say, "What a guy,"
When they knew I could fly.
I would say, "Hi!" to the birds in the sky
That knew I could fly.
And I wouldn't lie; I'd tell them I cry
When a guy throws a pie in my eye,
in the sky, 'cause I cry, where I fly,
a great guy wouldn't lie, night was nigh.
But then I'd ask why.
(Wearing a polka-dot tie.)
And then I'd die.

My Love

My love is a warm hand reaching out from the heavens.
It soothes me, stroking my neck and caressing my shoulders.
But then the hand turns into a big glob of Jell-O,
And I eat it all up and burp.

m dale prins

...and our next contribution comes from the tortured psyche of
Marvin the Magnificent...


skip a few
what's next?


Howdy!  XX and DP would like to start an FME irc channel!  To do
this, we first need ten people to sign up on a user list.  Email if you'd like to be on the list.  The
server it's on is the servers.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


ne ne
Sneelock harn
So, kick off your shoes!
snow forts
et cetera.
This was before
the fall of the Roman Empire



their black and yellow heads
to face the sun
they become twisted,
like telephone cords



Come see the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

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