Issue #22, 18 March 1996

subliminal      M       M       messages
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
in the          M  M M  M       popcorn?           Issue #22
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX):
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP):
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(e, bubbba, or elvis on irc)

FME on the web:

Helllllloooo, everyone!!

A special hello from XX goes out this week to E.M., a fellow
Rockwood employee :o)

A message from DP:  Please, if you can, DO NOT keep your
sanity!!!  Give it away!  Heck, *throw* it away if you have to.

A message from XX:  I've lost it, and don't know where to find
it... (but that's ok!!)

Today, we'd like to present you with "FME custom-made insults".
We got this idea from something we read in the Bulletin Board in
the "St. Paul Pioneer Press", a kewl newspaper.

To create your very own, custom-made insult, combine a phrase
from column a, with one from column b, and then with one from
column c!  Enjoy...

Column A

Foul-breathed, mangled, distorted, mindless, ungroovy, imploding,
exploding, Bill Gates-loving*

Column B

Snotty-nosed, flatulent, hooting, Barney-loving, eructing,
green-faced, maggot-infested, Windows 95-using

Column C

Idiot, swine, fruit loop, weasel, coward, clodhopper, toad,
nosehair-plucker, drip, Iowan (hey, it's a midwestern thing,
okay?), lawyer, Dr. Pepper-hater (the beverage), newt, inkwell,

*This came from the (ahem) brain of MM...flame him if you want!


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Special guest star this week...
Minister:  played by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Last week on ATTB, all six characters showed up at a church for a
double wedding.  But the roof disappeared, and then Howard said
that zombies ate it, and Raul didn't believe him.

In the church...

Al:  Hey, how come we aren't looking for Raul and Esmerelda?
Howard:  I don't know.  Did we find them yet?
Al:  I don't think so.
Howard:  Then who's that guy in the dressing room with I.M.?
Al:  That's Andy Griffith.
Parakeet:  (whistles theme song from "Andy Griffith Show")
*parakeet disappears in a blue poof of smoke*
Howard:  There's those cool special effects again!

Meanwhile, in the ladies' dressing room...

Buffy:  Where'd my calculator go?
Esmerelda:  I think Howard ate it.  He does that sort of thing,
you know.
Buffy:  So what does I.M. stand for anyway?
Esmerelda:  I don't know.  I guess we'll find out during the

The ceremony is starting...

Minister:  We welcome you today to the "Biggest Ball of Twine"
church.  We welcome you to purchase souvenirs in the back after
the service.  Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to
witness the marriage of these two couples, blah, blah, blah...

(the minister's voice fades out, and back in again...)

Minister:  (looks at Howard, the worst man)  So, you got the
rings there?
Howard:  (digs in the pocket of his Barney suit, and realizes
there are in fact, no pockets in the Barney suit)  Oh, snop!  I
Minister:  Then how are we supposed to continue the ceremony?
(suddenly, everyone in the church breaks into song... "Tomorrow,
Tommorow, we love ya, tomorrow!  You're only a day awaaayyyy!!")
Al:  We'll use invisible rings!!
Annie:  Gee, where did Daddy Warbucks go?
Beavis:  This is cool, huh, huh, huh...
(Beavis & Annie disappear in a puff of smoke, and Howard gasps in
Minister:  Please face each other and the guys repeat after
me..."I (state your name)..."
Raul:  I, Raul Hackenspew...
I.M.:  I, state your name...
Buffy: (whispers to I.M.) You're supposed to say your name there.
I.M.:  Okay.  I, In Metric Gilty...
Minister:  In Metric??
Raul:  In Metric??
Church Audience:  In Metric???!!!!
Director:  Okay, good job, folks... let's break for brunch, as
this church is scheduled to be destroyed by a wrecker this
Minister:  Yikes!!  Okay, I now pronounce you husbands and wives.
You may kiss your brides...
Buffy:  In Metric Gilty, how dare you!!!  You're named after the
metric system!!  I'll never marry you!
Esmerelda:  Raul, I can't marry you!!  I'm secretly in love with
Andy Griffith!
Raul:  Esmerelda, no!!!!  I took those morphing classes,
rememeber?  I'll be anyone you want me to be!!
Esmerelda:  It's not the same...

Join us next time when we find out the minister's credentials...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

The Wise Sage has decided to quit writing for fme because you people
never send questions!!  You couldn't possibly know everything already,
could you?

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

A submission from a couple people...sorta long, but it's really funny.

The following conversation was recorded by one of our deep sewer, err
space probes, in the secondary sewer system of Fernebulox Ultracity.
The conversation took place between two rather strange characters, Numbers, and the Magic Dragon.
This document may shed light on matters of Life, the Universe, &
Everything.... Then again maybe not.

Numbers : So Dragon, what have you been doing?
Dragon : ...
Numbers : Wait I know, don't tell me. You came too close to that
                plant again didn't you? That Mushroom thing?
Dragon : What a pretty fungi!
Dragon : Hic
Numbers : Considering the fact that we are sitting in a sewer, you
                might be right. BTW how did you get here.
Dragon : Here, where is here? The last thing I remember was ...
             was... Darn I forgot.... No wait no I didn't ... Uhh yes
             I did. It was a sunny morning, and I was but a young
             Dragon, eating distressed animals, and strange coloured
             mushrooms. Hmmm that's the last thing I remember really.
Numbers : That must have been when you were still young, like in your
                youth --
Dragon : Are you implying I'm old? Hey! Hey?
Numbers : Old .... you .... NEVER. You passed your mid-life crisis 50
                years ago, and all that's still holding you together is your
                mechanical heart and your fake hip. You're still as
                young as a DAL Calculator. You know the logical ones.
Dragon : Oh I'm not that young really *blush* Am I?
Numbers : Coming back to the main point, how the heck did you get
                here, I mean I was just taking my three week wild
                water canoe holiday (which turned out to be different
                to what I expected) But how did you get into a sewer?
Dragon : Well I followed the walls. They were bleeding see, but I
              couldn't find the cut. It was such a friendly wall, and
              I really wanted to show my affection for it by bandaging it up,
              So I followed the blood, which started turning into
              this green sticky stuff after a while. You know the stuff we're
              sitting in now ... Anyway I was walking ... and walking
              and walking ... -
Numbers : Have you had anything to eat lately? *takes out a half
                eaten MacDonalds burger from his left pocket, wipes some
                sticky green stuff off it and offers it to Dragon*
Dragon : .... and walking ... and walking ... -
Numbers : *Shrugs his shoulders, and takes a large bite from the
                burger. At that moment a night-watchman in a dark blue
                uniform floats by*
Night-watchman : HI.
Dragon : Did you get that burger half price Numbers? Oh hi there
             mister dark blue sticky green almost drowned night-watchman.
             How are you?
Numbers : The half eaten burger was part of my holiday package! It
                came with this T-shirt all under the label of
                Breakfast and accommodation. Neat hey.
Dragon : Wow, I've always wanted to live in a T-shirt, but nobody
              stocks my size *sulks*
Numbers : Well Dragon I've heard of a department store which covers
                two planets which ... nevermind!
Dragon : *sneezes, and burns half the pipe line down, singing Numbers
             middle eyebrow*
Numbers : OUCH *offers a handkerchief*
Dragon : Tank nou nou're so kind! *Blows his nose, and incinerates
              the handkerchief*
Numbers : Don't worry about the Handkerchief, some idiot Iago gave it
                to me. He said something about giving it to Casino,
                or was that Cassion, or something like that. Never did find
                the place.
Dragon : Hmm pity, sounds like an interesting city. Reminds me of a
             play by Mark Twain. So do you know why we're here?
Numbers : Of course I do, We are here to plan to take over the world,
                or was it to buy a packet of  M&M's?
Dragon : I'mmmm hungryyyyy.
Numbers : Imagine a sewer filled with green sticky stuff, oozing
                around you're feet....
Dragon : Yuk you are so twisted.... But at least I'm not hungry
              anymore, besides I've now added to the flow. I feel sick!
Numbers : *Jumps out of the green stuff* Sick how could you.
Dragon : Well ... Imagine a sewer filled with green sticky stuff, oozing
              around you're feet....
Numbers : Ohhh, I feel sick...
*Merlin floats by*
Merlin : Oh I say a dragon... how interesting!
Dragon : Dragon where, where?
Numbers : *holds up a mirror and coughs*
Dragon : Oh there, how come I didn't see him before?
*Merlin stands and joins the conversation*
Dragon : Hi there Merlin. You can take off the mask now, Halloween was
             last month.
Numbers : *laughs*
Dragon : *laughs*
Merlin : *thinking*
Numbers : *falls over he's laughing so hard*
Dragon : *sneezes again, and burns Merlin's hat to ashes*
Merlin : *really thinking*
Numbers : Hey dragon is that smoke there because you burnt Merlin's
                hat, or because he's thinking so hard?
Dragon : Wait I've got a brilliant idea.
Numbers : What, What.
Dragon : A plot to take over the world... But I'll tell it in code,
             so nobody else will understand.
Numbers : Got it.
Dragon : %T&!*@!TGHS~$*^&&copyu%^ASh^H$^*>?>FG
Numbers : BUT what about $^*%#^U
Dragon : Oh yes I hadn't thought of that.... OK what about ^)$*@)&)(*
Numbers : Yes that could work.
Merlin : Hey you insulted me!!!!!!!!! Mask ... mumble mumble ....
            Halloween .... hah... you'll pay for that.
Dragon : Did somebody say something?
Numbers : No I don't think so. I can't see anyone else here! Can you?
Merlin : *waves his hands in a mystical manner*
Dragon : So what about *$#">?><"}~$*
Numbers : Yes, lets do it! Earth here we come.
Merlin : *finishes his dance moves, and turns both Numbers and Dragon
              into red and yellow bottles of mustard which can only
              be bought in a seedy cafe in the red light district on Beelsfughisc*
Two red and yellow mustard bottles : *floating happily down the

The END .... or else. Will the mustard duo return. Hope not, I prefer
ketchup personally. But find out in our next episode of Numbers &,
the Dragon!


Nothing spectacular to report this week...only that DP bought a
rabbit cage kit this evening...and on the box it says "Rabbits
Not Included".

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Ode to the Energizer Bunny



Vegetable Garden

Presidential candidates...
and corn.


Electrical Outlet

zits are free.



I cracked my
head open
against a
barrel of


Pain 2

I ate a kazoo,
and now I am



The poem
should have been
longer, but I
ran out of room.



Come see the Macheen Shed:

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).