Issue #21, 11 March 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
dumb!           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #21
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert
(E on irc)

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hello everyone:)  I (XX) have been getting superly-duperly hooked
on irc recently!!  Is there a 12 step program for this?
hehehe;-)  Just kidding!  /me loves irc!!! haha!  *grin*

A big cheery welcome goes out to our new fme subscribers...
welcome to the fourth demention!  We love all you great
subscribers:)  (and if you ever unsubscribe, we'll
blow up your computer)  hahaha!!! just kidding!!!!!! Computers
(Exploding)!!!

A note from XX:  I WAS KIDDING!!!!  We won't actually blow up
your computer... we'll only put peanut butter in its keyboard.

It's snowy here in Wisconsin!  And we are having beeeeyoutiful
weather today!!!
*throws snowballs at everyone*
*SPLAT!*

Well, have a great week everyone!  Hope you enjoy this week's
FME:)

And if you're going on Spring Break, have a good one!

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, Teethless hockey players attacked skaters.
Not really.  Nothing of importance happened, but if you missed it
last week, you'll really be lost.  Oh, by the way, Raul proposed
marriage to Esmerelda, and she accepted.

Back in the potato field...

Esmerelda:  Are you *sure* you want to marry me?
Raul:  Yup.
Esmerelda:  Okay.
Raul:  I forgive you for using the metric system.
Esmerelda:  Aww, yer so sweet!  (kisses Raul)

Meanwhile, the other guys are around somewhere trying to do something,
only I'm not sure quite what it is...

Buffy:  (holds out a roll of duct tape) THIS is the solution for
all the world's problems!!
Howard:  Duck tape?  Don't you use that stuff on ducks?
Al:  Um, yeah, usually, right Buffy?
Buffy:  I am surrounded by idiots.
Ren:  (slaps Howard on the cheek)  You eeeeediot!!!!
Stimpy:  (singing)  Our country reeks of cheese, our yaks are
really large... OOPS!!  I'm in the wrong show!!!!
(grabs Ren and both disappear in a poof of smoke)
I.M.:  Man, I'm always amazed by those cool effects we have!!
Buffy:  Shut up and kiss me!
Howard:  You guys are disgusting!!!  Why don't you just get married?
Buffy:  Okay, we will!
(scene cuts to a church, Buffy and Esmerelda are dressed in
wedding gowns...)
Esmerelda:  Hey, how'd we get here so fast?
Buffy:  It's the metric system.  It has been responsible for some
of the weirdest things...
Esmerelda:  Don't remind me...
(the church roof suddenly disappears)
Al:  Hey!  I've never seen a convertible church before!
Buffy:  What are you doing in here???  We're getting dressed!!
Get out!!!
(Al disappears in a puff of smoke)

In the men's dressing room are I.M. and Raul...

Raul:  Are you nervous?
I.M.:  No way, dude!  This isn't half as bad as being
in a high-speed car chase!!
Raul:  Okay, whatever.

(Howard and Al walk in)

Howard:  Zombies ate the church roof!!!
Raul:  You're hallucinating again, Howard.  That Barney suit is really
getting to your brain.
Howard:  No, really!  Zombies ate the church roof!!!
I.M.:  Where are they?  Let me kill 'em!
Raul:  Come on, you don't really believe him, do you?  Then again,
you *would* believe him...
Al:  Zombies?  What are zombies?

Join us next time when we find out what I.M. stands for!

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage,

What is Vegemite and why is it on a sandwich in that song by Men at Work?
This has been bothering me for years.

Down and Under

Dear Down and Under,

"Vegemite" is yet another name for Spam.  These people don't want to admit
they are eating Spam, so they put a fancy-sounding name on it.  I hope this
will allay any further confusion on your part.

Wise Sage


Dear Wise Sage,

I've noticed that when I stub my toe, it takes a while for the pain to come.
If I were to keep slamming my toe, would the pain only show up when I
stopped?

Kevin Kalen

Dear Kevin,

If you continuously stubbed your toe, you would feel no pain until you
stopped, or your toe fell off- whichever came first.  However, if you spent
your time stubbing your toe, when would you be able to read FME?
This could cause mental anguish and FME deprivation, which is characterized
by intense cravings to watch "Barney" and "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers".

Wise Sage

To the ubiquitous Wise Sage:
    I am the the National Campaign Director  for a tall, independent candidate
whose last name rhymes with "Snail her!" running for a very prominent public
office now held by a man who's last name rhymes with "blinton."  I seem to
be facing some troubles convincing the omnipresent masses that my candidate
is the only possible candidate for this political office (which shows the
reptilian nature of said masses), which in turns leads to low moral among
those working on the campaign, which leads to less public support, ad
infinitum.  My question: Am I allowed to deduct my roommate as a dependent
on my 1040?

An anonymous campaign director who doesn't know how to turn off his sig

Dear anonymous,

No

Wise Sage


************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

We have several entries from people this week, including an
article from one Marianne Love, which, due to a clerical error on
the part of DP, was excluded from last week's issue.

PUBLIC APOLOGY TIME...oh, snop!  very sorry....

Postcards from Potato Land

We're wondering here in Potato Land why none of the Presidential candidates
ever comes here to campaign.  After all, we do have 4 electoral votes and
lots of down home restaurants where candidates could come and eat potatoes
and talk to real people.  We don't have many real people here because there
aren't very many people in Potato Land.

But those who do live here are the most real people in the United States.
We wake up in the morning and throw away yesterday's coffee grounds before
brewing up a new pot with Mr. Coffee.  Our garbage bags overflow until they
start dribbling on the floor.  We have cracks in our windshields, potholes
in our roads,  and our bowling alleys are always full.  We've got plaid
shirts and sorel boots.  Our dogs bark at night.  Our cats sleep all day.

We read newspapers and write letters to the editor.  There's a TV in almost
every house.  We chew the fat at the banana display in the local
supermarket, and we check up and down the aisles to see if anyone's
listening before we exchange some hot gossip.

These Presidential candidates are missing the boat if they don't visit
Potato Land and seek out votes from the Realest people around.

To the candidates:

One Potato, Two Potatoes
Three Potatoes More
Hot Potatoes, Fried Potatoes
Seek votes in Potato Land----you are sure to score!!!

May your goats go vote in the moat.

Weird...ever since DP disclosed the fact that she was deprived of
Spaghetti O's a child, others are also coming out of hiding...

"I Identify With You!"
      I was never fed Spagetti O's as a child becuase my parents have this
weird religion that believes that they are evil called "class."   I don't
think that not having grown up with this bizarre substance they call
"Spagetti O's" is a disability but an advantage.
      Having eaten Spagetti O's as an adult, I think they are really
really....well, gross.  Listen you other 2 deprived kids, we are not deprived
but "Bizarre Food Productally Challenged"!      Do you think we could get
special parking spaces?
                                     Deprived III (otherwise known as
indiegyrl@aol.com)



"Just Peel It (TM)"

Bananas are yellow
Bananas are round
Bananas are triangle
Bananas are brown
No one wants to eat them then
And then they're made into a cake
Which I think is a waste.
When you eat lots of bananas you start to go weird
Bananas grow legs and then you get scared
The bananas pull out guns and you pull out a cannon
Bananas go brown
And start to still go brown
You open your gob and swallow the mob
Then you develop a fascination with peanuts.

The Pneumatic Humatic Genetic Banana Engineer - Tic
(contributed by The Other One)


------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

A note from DP:  Thanks to the guy who told us to unsubscribe
him because he was losing email access pretty soon.  And thanx
to the people who have been sending us cookies.  Just kidding...
actually, I meant thank you to the people who let us know about
email address changes!  If you're
going to lose email access at any point, please let us know so we
don't get "unknown user" messages when we send this every week.
Plus, if your email address is gonna change, we'd luv to know
that too:)

Another note from DP:  Heard something on irc this week...There's
a computer virus going around...I'd heard it was a phony, but it
is real.  If you get an email message with the subject "Good
Times", don't open it!!! Just delete it.  I heard someone say
that their computer was down for days because of it...it's not a
joke!

A note from XX: note.

The FME pages (aka the Macheen Shed) are constantly being
updated.  There's some stuff there now that wasn't there last
week at this time.  Like the As the Tractor Burns Archive (the
whole durn thing is there on one page), the Dumb Poetry in a Card
Type Trash Page (some of the best Dumb Poetry we've written), and
back issues (and front issues).  DP will be putting more pages up
as time progresses.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Yellow
------

LIfe is a sewer
The exquisite voice echoes thru it
It turns yello,
smells bad,
and dies.
Perhaps not a _bad_ thing,
but life
has no meaning
If no one
has a spleen
I have a spleen
I have a fourth
and fifth
eye.

MM

Spam
----

Spam
moldy Spam
stinky Spam
Spam
in the fridge
it may look like Spam
but it's really an
old salad.

XX & DP (who was inspired somewhat by AmuLeT)

Lagged 2
--------

Hello?
Hellllooooo???

XX

Lagged 3
--------

Dang Mouse.
Helloooo???
/me is lagged
brb
/quit
reconnecting...
eh?  "melvan nick is already in use"
/nick melvan_
Ok...I'm still on that channel...
like going back in time...
I see my messages pop up
waaaaaay after I typed them in...
and after disconnecting...
dang lag.
"I think I'm a clone now..."
I'm on there twice?
eh?

DP

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

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