Issue #20, 4 March 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #20
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
(eener on irc)
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com
(melvan on irc)

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you haven't seen the response to your Wise Sage question,
please re-send it!!  XX remembers one about spuds and one about
toe stubbing.

Issue #20.  Time for a little reflection.  Look in the mirror and
you'll see one.  Issue #20.  That means we've been doing this for
about five months.  Isn't that groovy trivia to know. :)

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, Godzilla, the Blues Brothers, and a Baywatch
Babe & Dude made guest appearances.  Also, Buffy kissed I.M., to
which I.M. said "Mmmmmf!"

Raul and Esmerelda are having a serious discussion in a potato
field

Raul:  I am an Idaho potato.
Esmerelda:  Huh?
Raul:  Never mind.

Meanwhile, the other guys (and gal) are still trying to figure
out what happened to Raul & Esmerelda...

Al:  Raul & Esmerelda are just a couple of perverts.
Howard:  Why'd you say that?
Al:  Just sounded like something cool to say.
Howard:  Oh, okay.
Buffy:  *presents I.M. with a small box*  Here I.M., I bought a
little gift for you...
I.M.:  Oh Buffy!  You shouldn't have!  *opens the package*
(Out pop Yakko, Wakko and Dot--- the Animaniacs...)
Yakko:  (looking at Buffy)  Hellllloooooo nurse!!
I.M.:  Watch it!  She's mine!
Wakko:  Yummy, those chocolates were good! *belches*
Dot:  I'm cute!
Buffy:  You little puppy children ate the chocolates I got him!!
How dare you???!  Hey, waaaait a minnit-- *looking at Wakko*
aren't you the Great Wakkorotti?

(the Warners (Animaniacs) disappear into mid-air, and the sunset
fades on the distant shore as the scene fades back to the potato
field...)

Raul:  Esmerelda, will you marry me?
Esmerelda:  (plucking eyes off potatoes) He loves me, he loves me
not, he loves me, he loves me not...
Raul:  Well???
Esmerelda:  *bursts into tears*  You don't wanna marry me, Raul!!
Raul:  *with a puzzled expression on his face*  Why ever not??
Esmerelda:  *looks around to see if anyone is listening*
(whispers to Raul)... 'cause I used the metric system once...
Raul:  I don't care!  I won't tell anyone!
Potato:  Hello.
Raul:  Who said that?
Potato:  Me.  The potato.  Remember me?  You ate my cousin
Bertha!
Esmerelda:  Well, guess what?  You're next! (grabs a potato
masher and kills the potato)

Later...

Raul:  Mmmm...those French fries were good.  You're a good cook.
Marry me.
Esmerelda:  Sure, whatever.
Howard:  Yeah, what she said.  Er, maybe not.  Can I be the best
man?  *shifts uncomfortably in the Barney suit*  This $&*#@! suit
itches!
Esmerelda:  No, but you can be the worst man.
Raul:  Hey, weren't you just on Baywatch?

Join us next time for what could be a double wedding...or not....

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

The Wise Sage had no questions to answer this week.

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

DP is not alone!!

To all FME readers (and the esteemed editors, of course!):
  I just read the latest FME and I just couldn't believe it.....there is
another out there just like me!  You see, I too have never eaten Spaghetti
O's. I guess I'm just a deprived child.  My parents fed me macaroni and
cheese, hot dogs, hamburgers, even regular spaghetti, but never those little
O's from a can.  I never got to eat with Chef Boyardee, and now I sometimes
wonder if I missed out on an essential part of childhood. ??????  Is there
anyone else out there who has never eaten a Spaghetti O?  Maybe we should
all ban together, form a support group, and talk about how this has affected
our lives, our loves, our pasta preferences......

Deprived Child II

And another excursion into madness from MM....

Metaphorical Identity Crisis
----------------------------

I am a green traffic light.

Do you "people" know what kind of pressure I'm under?  Every time
I turn green, hundreds of cars try to go as fast as they can so
they can get under me before I go out.  I would give anything to
be a red light.  I don't want to be a yellow light, because then
I would be a coward.  I am very jealous of those STUPID RED
LIGHTS!!!  Some day, I'm gonna just go out for good and NEVER
come back on!

------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Attention, all who have irc access:  The channel is #fme.  The
server is us.undernet.org.  Or, if you're in Europe, it's
eu.undernet.org.  The time is:  whenever you're on irc.
DP (melvan on irc) is usually on irc between 10:00 am and 2:00 pm
(central time zone in the US)...that'd be late afternoon/evening
in the UK & other parts of Europe, very early morning in the
Australia/New Zealand area, and morning/afternoon in the rest of
the US.  XX is on there often and goes by the nick "eener".
Sooo...if you're on the specified server, drop by #fme and see
who's there!

And a more serious note.....

The Macheen Shed is back online!!!  Set your browser to
http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/macheen/ where you will find
back issues, dumb poetry (eventually), the FAQ (eventually), the
Akoukahouma Art Gallery (eventually), and the As the Tractor
Burns Archive (eventually).

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Our theme this week is "Technical Difficulties".  Enjoy.

Lagged
------

Hello?
Hello??
Hello???
Hello????
Hello?????
Hello!!!! Is anyone out there??
Did everyone stop talking,
or am I lagged?

XX

comment from DP:  CTCP PING reply 1329458123 seconds
XX responds:  *smashes computer with sledgehammer* Hehe.

Morbidity
---------

I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
The computer's down
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.

DP

----

This is the end of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Issue #20.  It is
late here, but that makes no difference!  Some of our best stuff
comes from sleep deprivation. ;-) Hardeeharhar!

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

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