FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #2 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE Greetings, and happy new year! Wait, wait! It's not even Christmas yet. Oops. Sorry. Welcome to the second ever issue of Farm Macheenery (exploding). You are one of a very small, select group to have this magazine delivered personally to your computer. This week we have had a few technical difficulties which have resulted in the magazine being released late. We do apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you. We know that even after only one issue of FME you are hopelessly hooked and may suffer any or all of the following symptoms: shortness of breath, headaches, nausea, stomach cramps, blurred vision, etc. If you experience any of these symptoms please contact your local video store and rent the movie UHF immediately. You can send your comments, letters, questions, or cheese to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. Also, a very important notice: The email message most of you got last week about a virus turned out to be a hoax. Nothing to worry about, at least not from that one. And now it's time for a new feature here in the new, improved Farm Macheenery (exploding). Movie reviews reviewed for you by the highly trained professional monkey trainers, Squishkel and Eggplant. Movie Squishkel Eggplant Godzilla Meets Spoo-man :) :) In the Spine of Fire :) :( Blister Act :( :) BGT: The Big Green Terrestrial :) :) The Spleenergizer :) :) Malcom Specks :( :( Elastic Park :) :) ********* Now it's time for the educational portion of the magazine. This week, it's a biology lesson. Have you ever wondered where your spleen really is? Well, us Farm Macheenery (exploding) people were wondering, too. So we sent out Zinderfanny von Stickindamud, our investigative reporter, to find out. Here's what he came back with: "The spleen...is located somewhere between the fourth...and fifth eye...." We'll let all of you figure out what COLOR a spleen is.... ********* We here at Farm Macheenery (exploding) are proud to unveil our latest project which hopefully all of you will be involved in. It is a contest. The thing is, you have to read this poem and figure out how it ends. We don't even know how it ends. The poem: The artist gasps at the beauty of the distant snowdrift etched against the night sky-- and is only partly dismayed to discover that his adjustable bed catalog... Contest Rules: 1. Entries must be received by November 1, 1995. Due to time zones and other stuff that we can't control, we will accept entries dated Nov. 1st, even if we don't get them until the 2nd. 2. Please. 3. This is rule #3. 4. Keep it clean, please. 5. Winners will be notified by email around November 3 or 4. 6. Winners will get their name/alias with their entry in the November 6th issue of the magazine. Any other prizes are yet to be determined and will be announced in the magazine prior to the deadline. 7. There is no rule #7. 8. Send to: firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com 9. Executives of FME publications, their immediate families, and pets are eligible to enter. The employees themselves, unfortunately, cannot enter this contest, because then we'd win and you'd all lose. So much for the contest concept. 10. Sub-contest: There will also be prizes and mention in the magazine for entries whose subject lines make us ROTFL. ********* ATTENTION! Are you paying attention? Good. Now we need your help with another project. It's a survey. This particular survey is not meant to be taken seriously, but we want your input anyway. Send responses to firstname.lastname@example.org. 1. Which book title interests you the most? a. The Magnificent Jalopy b. Boy Gets Car c. The Whales Go By 2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? a. Zint b. 53 c. Loop 3. Which word most appeals to you? a. Spoo b. Oink c. Acorn 4. What is your favorite color? a. green b. eggshell white c. armadillo poop green 5. Do you believe in aliens? a. Yes b. No c. I am one 6. What is the perfect name for a cult? a. Toot-toot, peanut butter b. Wacko c. Melded Bananas 7. What would your pen name be? a. Julie-us Seize-her b. Wormhole Brokenjaw c. Ispoop Green 8. What is your favorite food? a. banana b. tomato (the vegetable) c. tomato (the fruit) d. cooked carrots e. bacon f. eggplant 9. Will you utter the sacred vows of the hunt? a. yes b. no 10. What do you like to do on a rainy day? a. Wonder why everyone brings potato salad to family reunions b. Make figure 8's in the noodles c. Throw wadded-up paper towels in the toilet Once again, send responses to email@example.com. ********* Welcome to another fun-filled edition of "Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash". Today our theme is musical. So sit back and enjoy. And remember, the opinions expressed here are not necessarily shared by the Geeks with Guns Association. "Clarinet" With a wild look in her eye, she snapped the long clarinet into playing position-- with spit flying, she played a furious rendition of "Christmas in Poland" only to realize later Her mouthpiece was missing. XX "Fiends" The two fiends played long black instruments, in small square cubicles with backwards door handles, they conspired-- and put their feet at odd angles into their horns. XX ********* And now it's time to say goodbye. But we don't want to do that, so we won't. So until next week, remember: Where there's duct tape, there's hope.