Issue #18, 19 February 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #18
d               u   M   b       !
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): re11@uwrf.edu
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): melvan@pressenter.com

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:  http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Attention, personnel, I have just lost my last marble."
--quote from Cory, one of DP's co-workers (at Pizza Hut) on a
particularly busy night last week

"Hey!  I just realized that 'park' backwards is 'krap'!"
--quote from XX on the way back from a concert Saturday night

  getting to know you, getting to know all about you!!

(how tacky...)

And now we introduce this week's special column...

Getting To Know The Fme Writers.

Thing              DP                       XX
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Fave Movie         UHF                      Monty Python & the
                                            Holy Grail

Fave Music         Steve Taylor, PFR        Steve Taylor,
                   Rich Mullins, "Weird     Vivaldi's "The Four
                   Al" Yankovic             Seasons"

Food               Chocolate                Taffy, Tomato soup

Beverage           Dr. Pepper (of course),  Coffee (all types),
                   Hot Chocolate            Pop (aka soda, cola,
                                            coke)--all types

TV Shows           Chicago Hope, ER,        The Price is Right
                   CCM-TV                   (seriously!), Home
                                            Improvement

Hobbies            Listening to music,      Video games, music,
                   surfing the net,         reading, computer
                   computer stuff           stuff

Animals            Cats                     Horses, cats

Pet Peeves         Driving behind slow      Her car problems,
                   people, installing       Winter static
                   software                 electricity problems

Unfavorite food    anchovies                Cooked spinach

Letter             E                        5

Newsgroups         alt.stupidity,           alt.stupidity,
                   rec.music.christian      rec.music.christian

Misc. Info         She's sort of an         She's a psychology
                   artist (sometimes),      major, who plans to
                   she has an alphabet-     get her master's
                   izing fetish and alpha-  degree in Christian
                   betized XX's cds once.   counselling--and she
                   She is sorta             hasn't eaten Spam in
                   disappointed that there  a long time.
                   isn't a newsgroup for
                   duct tape.
                   alt.duct-tape, anyone?

We (meanin' XX and DP, of course) done knowed each other
when we was little babies in the ol'
church nursery, and done got zanier since then.

An' fer yer in-fer-may-shin, our birthdays are only 27 daze
apart.  Scary, ain't it?  Our moms sniffed kool-aid dust when
they were pregnant with us.

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

For those of you who are fairly new subscribers, we strongly
suggest you go back and read the previous storylines (available
on the FME web page) for this ridiculous-fake-soap-opera-storyline,
as it will make more sense that way...well, maybe not.

Last week on ATTB, Buffy discovers that I.M. is in love with her,
and Howard loses his last brain cell.  Everyone was mixed up on
their lines and saying the wrong thing.  We apologize for this
inconvenience.

At Raul's house (aka the phone booth)...

Esmerelda:  You do a great job with that Ross Perot imitation!  I
almost thought you really *were* Ross Perot for a minute!
Raul:  Yeah, those morphing classes paid off.
Esmerelda:  That taxi driver is insane!  I think we should call
the taxi company and report him.
Raul:  I agree.

While they're calling the cab company, the rest of the idiots--I
mean characters--are in a taxi trying to find the taxi that
kidnapped Raul & Esmerelda...

I.M.:  (reciting "love" poetry to Buffy...)  Your teeth are like
the stars...they come out at night...your eyes are like
pools...cespools...
Buffy:  (rolling her eyes)  If you expect to win my heart this
way, you are sorely mistaken!
I.M.:  (rolling Buffy's eyes back to her)  Your skin shines like
the sun...
Buffy:  I'm going to throw up...
Al:  Me too.
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
Garth (of Wayne's World):  If yer gonna spew,
spew in this-- (holds out a dixie cup)
Al:  You're in the wrong movie, pal.
Mary Poppins:   Just a spoonful of sugar helps the
medicine go down, the medicine go down...
Howard:  SHUT UP!!
Buffy:  Hey!  There's the taxi!

I.M.:  Hey, cool effects!
Buffy: I *SAID* I just saw the taxi, you buffoons!


After a moment of silence...
Buffy:  ...okay, who forgot to pay the electricity bill??

****Join us next week for another delightfully unpredictable
version of
"As...The...Tractor...Burns!!!"

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:

Perhaps Tina Turner might be better at answering this one:

What is a "toot-toot" and who should I contact if I find mine has been
messed with?

The Other One.

To The Other One,

"toot-toot" is simply a kind way of referring to flatulence.  If yours has
been messed with, I suggest you contact your local natural gas company, or
the National Board for Flatulence Problems.  Call 1-900-TOXIGAS for more
information.

Wise Sage

************************************
The Section Where Other People Write
************************************
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email melvan@pressenter.com

Postcards from Potato Land:  A Love Story

Valentine's Day is important to us in Potato Land.  It's a time to reflect
on Love.

We love the mountains that reach to the sky.
We love the big trees that show how the years pass by.
We love to marvel at Potato Land sunsets
We love the the vapor trails of faraway jets.
We love the chickadees who fly in for seed.
We love the kitty cats when they beg for their feed.
We love the black lab when she folds her paws on the couch.
We love the horses who in one minute gallop,and the very next,  simply slouch.
We love the blue sky and the sun shining bright
We love the crows when they caw with delight.
In the spring we love the visiting honkers
And we also love the mallards when, seeing approach, they just go bonkers!!
We love potatoes, tubulars and spuds.
And we love the cows when they chew on their cuds.
We love the beauty of Potato Land for sure,
And we hope of all of you sometime submit to its lure.
We love each other--Bill, Willie, Marianne and dear Annie
We love our dance contests and the fun of being the Love family.
And last but not least, it's certainly worth connoting
that we love all our friends and readers of Farm Macheenery (exploding).

Happy Valentine's Day
from the Potato Land Loves

May you love like a dove from way up above.
pg


------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

nothing of any particular interest happened in the way of news
this week, but XX has had extreme problems with her email disks
lately, and they have blown up in her face.  So she lost some
Wise Sage questions.  If you think yours may have been lost
(there was one regarding monster trucks, one about toe stubbing,
and one discussing "spuds"), please resend them to re11@uwrf.edu

Also....how many of you are interested in having an fme
convention on irc?  Let us know if you are!

One more thing.  MM (aka DP's brother) and some of his friends
are planning to create a Farm Macheenery (exploding) computer
game.  If you have any creative input into this venture, let us
know.

And one last thing...The FME web pages are going to be undergoing
a major overhaul in the next few days, so if you go there and
things make even less sense than usual, don't panic.

And one more last thing...
Har.

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

The Next Identity Crisis
------------------------

I am
A
Bad word.

DP

Misunderstandings
-----------------

White blood cells
Elvis the cat box
Three women cooking in the dark
AND fresh bananas.

DP, with help from Zimpwobble (aka XX's bro)

Tiredness
---------

yawn.
Yawnn.
YAwwnnn...
YAWN!!!
zzzzzzzzz

XX




:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by
other people.  Feel free to distribute this document far and
wide as long as it is not changed in any way.  FME reserves the
right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation,
spelling, content, AND bacon).

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