FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #18 d u M b ! F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): Renee Elrod (aka Xavier Xerxes or XX): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka Dr. Pepper or DP): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka Marvin the Magnificent or MM) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Attention, personnel, I have just lost my last marble." --quote from Cory, one of DP's co-workers (at Pizza Hut) on a particularly busy night last week "Hey! I just realized that 'park' backwards is 'krap'!" --quote from XX on the way back from a concert Saturday night getting to know you, getting to know all about you!! (how tacky...) And now we introduce this week's special column... Getting To Know The Fme Writers. Thing DP XX ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fave Movie UHF Monty Python & the Holy Grail Fave Music Steve Taylor, PFR Steve Taylor, Rich Mullins, "Weird Vivaldi's "The Four Al" Yankovic Seasons" Food Chocolate Taffy, Tomato soup Beverage Dr. Pepper (of course), Coffee (all types), Hot Chocolate Pop (aka soda, cola, coke)--all types TV Shows Chicago Hope, ER, The Price is Right CCM-TV (seriously!), Home Improvement Hobbies Listening to music, Video games, music, surfing the net, reading, computer computer stuff stuff Animals Cats Horses, cats Pet Peeves Driving behind slow Her car problems, people, installing Winter static software electricity problems Unfavorite food anchovies Cooked spinach Letter E 5 Newsgroups alt.stupidity, alt.stupidity, rec.music.christian rec.music.christian Misc. Info She's sort of an She's a psychology artist (sometimes), major, who plans to she has an alphabet- get her master's izing fetish and alpha- degree in Christian betized XX's cds once. counselling--and she She is sorta hasn't eaten Spam in disappointed that there a long time. isn't a newsgroup for duct tape. alt.duct-tape, anyone? We (meanin' XX and DP, of course) done knowed each other when we was little babies in the ol' church nursery, and done got zanier since then. An' fer yer in-fer-may-shin, our birthdays are only 27 daze apart. Scary, ain't it? Our moms sniffed kool-aid dust when they were pregnant with us. ##################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS* @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di For those of you who are fairly new subscribers, we strongly suggest you go back and read the previous storylines (available on the FME web page) for this ridiculous-fake-soap-opera-storyline, as it will make more sense that way...well, maybe not. Last week on ATTB, Buffy discovers that I.M. is in love with her, and Howard loses his last brain cell. Everyone was mixed up on their lines and saying the wrong thing. We apologize for this inconvenience. At Raul's house (aka the phone booth)... Esmerelda: You do a great job with that Ross Perot imitation! I almost thought you really *were* Ross Perot for a minute! Raul: Yeah, those morphing classes paid off. Esmerelda: That taxi driver is insane! I think we should call the taxi company and report him. Raul: I agree. While they're calling the cab company, the rest of the idiots--I mean characters--are in a taxi trying to find the taxi that kidnapped Raul & Esmerelda... I.M.: (reciting "love" poetry to Buffy...) Your teeth are like the stars...they come out at night...your eyes are like pools...cespools... Buffy: (rolling her eyes) If you expect to win my heart this way, you are sorely mistaken! I.M.: (rolling Buffy's eyes back to her) Your skin shines like the sun... Buffy: I'm going to throw up... Al: Me too. Howard: Yeah, what he said. Garth (of Wayne's World): If yer gonna spew, spew in this-- (holds out a dixie cup) Al: You're in the wrong movie, pal. Mary Poppins: Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down... Howard: SHUT UP!! Buffy: Hey! There's the taxi! I.M.: Hey, cool effects! Buffy: I *SAID* I just saw the taxi, you buffoons! After a moment of silence... Buffy: ...okay, who forgot to pay the electricity bill?? ****Join us next week for another delightfully unpredictable version of "As...The...Tractor...Burns!!!" *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage: Perhaps Tina Turner might be better at answering this one: What is a "toot-toot" and who should I contact if I find mine has been messed with? The Other One. To The Other One, "toot-toot" is simply a kind way of referring to flatulence. If yours has been messed with, I suggest you contact your local natural gas company, or the National Board for Flatulence Problems. Call 1-900-TOXIGAS for more information. Wise Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Postcards from Potato Land: A Love Story Valentine's Day is important to us in Potato Land. It's a time to reflect on Love. We love the mountains that reach to the sky. We love the big trees that show how the years pass by. We love to marvel at Potato Land sunsets We love the the vapor trails of faraway jets. We love the chickadees who fly in for seed. We love the kitty cats when they beg for their feed. We love the black lab when she folds her paws on the couch. We love the horses who in one minute gallop,and the very next, simply slouch. We love the blue sky and the sun shining bright We love the crows when they caw with delight. In the spring we love the visiting honkers And we also love the mallards when, seeing approach, they just go bonkers!! We love potatoes, tubulars and spuds. And we love the cows when they chew on their cuds. We love the beauty of Potato Land for sure, And we hope of all of you sometime submit to its lure. We love each other--Bill, Willie, Marianne and dear Annie We love our dance contests and the fun of being the Love family. And last but not least, it's certainly worth connoting that we love all our friends and readers of Farm Macheenery (exploding). Happy Valentine's Day from the Potato Land Loves May you love like a dove from way up above. pg ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ nothing of any particular interest happened in the way of news this week, but XX has had extreme problems with her email disks lately, and they have blown up in her face. So she lost some Wise Sage questions. If you think yours may have been lost (there was one regarding monster trucks, one about toe stubbing, and one discussing "spuds"), please resend them to firstname.lastname@example.org Also....how many of you are interested in having an fme convention on irc? Let us know if you are! One more thing. MM (aka DP's brother) and some of his friends are planning to create a Farm Macheenery (exploding) computer game. If you have any creative input into this venture, let us know. And one last thing...The FME web pages are going to be undergoing a major overhaul in the next few days, so if you go there and things make even less sense than usual, don't panic. And one more last thing... Har. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- The Next Identity Crisis ------------------------ I am A Bad word. DP Misunderstandings ----------------- White blood cells Elvis the cat box Three women cooking in the dark AND fresh bananas. DP, with help from Zimpwobble (aka XX's bro) Tiredness --------- yawn. Yawnn. YAwwnnn... YAWN!!! zzzzzzzzz XX :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the poems, stories, and letters sent by other people. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide as long as it is not changed in any way. FME reserves the right to edit any material sent in (in regards to punctuation, spelling, content, AND bacon).