Issue #17, 12 February 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #17
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers:
Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web...

Hello folks!  This intro is two words long.  This intro
is two words long...

DP issues a challenge!  To all you intellegent people out there
who have enormously large funnybones, I'd like to see your
parodies of a certain song that I can't stand....  See "As the
Tractor Burns" for more info.  If you recognize the song, and can
think of something funny, send it to me!  We'll print the best
entries as soon as we receive them.

We here at FME have decided to invent our own scientific
principles.  Why?  Because.  Have you ever looked through a
science textbook, and noticed the totally obvious scientific
principles people are famous for?  Have you ever thought "I could
come up with this and get famous"?  Well, here's our stab at

FmE    S c ie nti F iC PrI  nc Ipl es

1)  The rabbit principle:  What goes in, must come out.
    (rabbit pellets of one type=rabbit pellets of another type,
    at an alarmingly fast rate)
    Sub-principle:  One plus one equals many.

2)  The Cheeto principle:  If you drop a Cheeto, it'll fall.

3)  Headbanging principle:  It hurts the day after.

4)  The "no spine" principle:  a pile of moosh.

5)  The "no breakfast" principle:  imploded stomach.

6)  The optimist principle:  All things are possible...except
    skiing through a revolving door.

7)  The pessimist principle:  optimists will die trying to ski
    through revolving doors.

8)  The 1981 principle:  If you have a car from the year 1981,
    the blinker light will break, causing other drivers to think
    you are stoopid when your left blinker stays on for 20 miles.

9)  The winter energy principle:  if it is winter, your hair will
    stand on end, and you will be buzzed by doorknobs, water
    fountains, and anything containing one molecule of metal.

10) The Internet principle:  It's cool.

11) The internal principle:  Your brain works best inside your

We hope you've gained some insight into the world from our
informative scientific principles.  If not, go buy a bag of
cheetos and drop them until you understand!!  Har.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last time on ATTB, we discovered the astounding news that Raul
is in fact Superman!!  But don't tell anyone, okay?  The rest of
the characters really didn't do much of anything, except discuss
the merits of football and the metric system.  Oh... and they
were visited by the Energizer bunny!!

In the taxi, Raul has just morphed into Ross Perot...

Raul: ... and so you see, people, that ya can't put the frosting
before the cake.
Taxi driver:  Hey!  Wait a dad-blasted minute!  I thought you
were Superman!!
Esmeralda:  He *must* have used the metric system at some
point in his life-- that's the only explanation I can think of.
Taxi driver:  Mmm-hmm...

The guys outside the bakery have moved their party to a
taxi and are on their way to find Raul & Esmerelda's taxi, which,
at this point, has dropped them off at their homes already.

I.M.:  Where are we going?  I forgot.
Buffy:  Are you always this stupid?
I.M.:  No, only when I'm with you.  I.M. is in love with Buffy,
only she doesn't know it.
Buffy:  You weren't supposed to read that part of the line!  Now
I know!
I.M.:  Sorry.
Al:  Well paint me green and call me Gumby!  Oooops, wrong line-
I mean Alllllllrightithen.
Buffy:  Well paint me green and call me Gumby!
Howard:   Another one bites
the dust!   Well, there went
my last brain cell...

    (a currently popular song comes on the radio)***
    (hint:  this is the clue)

Al:  Oooh!  I love this song!  "'Cause I've got one hand in my
pocket, and the other one's blowing up a tractor."
Buffy:  That's not the real line.
Al:  I don't care.  Sounds better than "the other one's hailing a
taxi cab."  We're already in a taxi, remember?
I.M.:  Yeah--what he said.
Howard:  Hey, that's my line.
Al:  SHUT UP!  You don't have any brain cells left, remember?
Howard:  No.

Join us next time when absolutely nothing happens (as if you'd

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:

Why do women so frequently need handbags to carry all their stuff
in while men can usually get by with just a wallet?

        The Other One.

To The Other One,

Can you picture a guy carrying a purse around?  Me neither.  Also, females
need the extra space for lipstick, lipstick and lipstick.

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage:
Why are people so redundant? Why do they repeat themsellves,saying the same
things over and over? Like, f'rinstance, calling
themselves Wise Sage?

-- Mangrove Moose

Dear Mangrove Moose,

Because two are better than one, unless you're referring to politicians or
lawyers.  (And also, 'cause we're stoopid)

Wise Wise Sage Sage

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Another poem by Ben Ohmart...

Anything But Shopping Will Do (interactive)

i was sitting behind a super computer
shopping through cyberspace
and there was the .jpg of a sweater
i thought would be perfect for
(insert name you care about here)
so i emailed in my order
and in 7 to 10 working days
i got
(insert something silly, or else there's no point)

And now a message from DP...

Well, I know I'm not "other people", but my alter ego (aka my
inner child) decided it was her turn to write something for fme.
This is actually a poem I wrote for my brother (MM) on his birthday
this past week.  Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I
enjoyed writing it.


Roses are red
Violent blue*
Hope that you
Explode soon

Oh, never mind
Didn't mean that
I's just kiddin'
You little rat

Show your friends
Or I'll blow you
Into next week

"This doesn't rhyme"
"Yes it does!"
Well, take this thing
'Cuz I couldn't get "Buzz".**

Just want you to know
You're un-groovay***
But what do I know?
Happy Birthday


er, whatever.

*"Violent Blue" is a cool song done by a band called Chagall
Guevara.  If you haven't heard of them, I'm not surprised.  They
only made one album about five years ago, but it's a *very* good
one and if you ever do get a chance to buy that album somewhere,
BUY IT!!!  It may be the only chance you'll get to get it.

**"Buzz" is the title of an album that MM wants.  I was gonna
get that for him, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

***"Groovy" is the ultimate compliment (according to MM).
"Groovay" is a step above that.  Being groovay is sorta like
being pregnant:  either you are, or you aren't.


I have an urgent message for JJO and JAH:
"Are you a chicken fajita?"

--From XX

I have an urgent message for XX:

"Go eat chocolate."

--From DP

I have an urgent message for all FME subscribers:
"I hope you are having a good week
forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme I
hope your family and friends are doing well
forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme Do you believe in subliminal
messages?  forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme  Me neither.

--From XX

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

We here at FME have decided to conduct an experiment in
poem-writing.  XX and DP will write every other line of the poem,
without knowing what the other one just wrote. (unless they
accidentaly backspace, of course- which I (XX) did once, and
prematurely discovered that the bagpipe didn't say no) The only
line it doesn't apply to is the last one.  We hope it makes
no sense to you at all, 'cause if it does, you should get your
medication changed.

This poem has no title, but it's called Experiment#1

spiderwebs cover the old tractor in the barn
and then there was a loud BANG!!!
alas, I am mired hopelessly in the quagmire
upon investegation, it was discovered that
I store pop cans in old Pringles cans.
and the bagpipe didn't say no
Finally, I blow my computer to bits...
Whatever it is, goodbye.

This poem has no title, but it's called Experiment#2

I got a letter with a window
I shake my pop bottle, and it explodes upon opening
and fresh bananas
I squeal in pain as
wonderful pink flowers embroidered on it
the man in the white coat smiles...
I made some cornbread for you
I laugh.

--don't you just HATE it when you start typing
with your hands in the wrong position?  The following
is such a poem, with translation included.
o jp[r upi rmkpu oy/ (i hope you enjoy it)

Yjod [pr, jsd mp yoy;r/ )niy oyd vs;;rf yrj NHY [pr,z-
This poem has no title. (but it's called the BGT poem)

Yjr dimdry gsfrd pm yjr fodysmy djptr
The sunset fades on the distant shore

Yjr sndytsvy frdohmd. to[[;omh. sd og imfrvofrf///
The abstract designs, rippling, as if undecided...

Upi vp,r yp ,u ,omf sd upi esbr upit noh htrrm yjomh
You come to my mind as you wave your big green thing


AAAAAAARRGH!!!!  It's time to go again!!!  Don't you just hate
when that happens?  I do.  But if we put everything cool in this
issue, we'd have nothing left for any more issues.  Time to go.


FME is on the web at

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in
which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide)
as long as it is not changed in any way.  To subscribe to Farm
Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email or  Send all general comments to either or

Fij/  Yjr rmf esd esu nsvl yjrtr/  Eju str upi trsfomh yjod (shift
Duh.  The end was way back there.  Why are you reading this?

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