FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #17 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers: Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes): firstname.lastname@example.org Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper): email@example.com Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web... http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hello folks! This intro is two words long. This intro is two words long... DP issues a challenge! To all you intellegent people out there who have enormously large funnybones, I'd like to see your parodies of a certain song that I can't stand.... See "As the Tractor Burns" for more info. If you recognize the song, and can think of something funny, send it to me! We'll print the best entries as soon as we receive them. ------- We here at FME have decided to invent our own scientific principles. Why? Because. Have you ever looked through a science textbook, and noticed the totally obvious scientific principles people are famous for? Have you ever thought "I could come up with this and get famous"? Well, here's our stab at it... FmE S c ie nti F iC PrI nc Ipl es 1) The rabbit principle: What goes in, must come out. (rabbit pellets of one type=rabbit pellets of another type, at an alarmingly fast rate) Sub-principle: One plus one equals many. 2) The Cheeto principle: If you drop a Cheeto, it'll fall. 3) Headbanging principle: It hurts the day after. 4) The "no spine" principle: a pile of moosh. 5) The "no breakfast" principle: imploded stomach. 6) The optimist principle: All things are possible...except skiing through a revolving door. 7) The pessimist principle: optimists will die trying to ski through revolving doors. 8) The 1981 principle: If you have a car from the year 1981, the blinker light will break, causing other drivers to think you are stoopid when your left blinker stays on for 20 miles. 9) The winter energy principle: if it is winter, your hair will stand on end, and you will be buzzed by doorknobs, water fountains, and anything containing one molecule of metal. 10) The Internet principle: It's cool. 11) The internal principle: Your brain works best inside your head. We hope you've gained some insight into the world from our informative scientific principles. If not, go buy a bag of cheetos and drop them until you understand!! Har. ##################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS* @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last time on ATTB, we discovered the astounding news that Raul is in fact Superman!! But don't tell anyone, okay? The rest of the characters really didn't do much of anything, except discuss the merits of football and the metric system. Oh... and they were visited by the Energizer bunny!! In the taxi, Raul has just morphed into Ross Perot... Raul: ... and so you see, people, that ya can't put the frosting before the cake. Taxi driver: Hey! Wait a dad-blasted minute! I thought you were Superman!! Esmeralda: He *must* have used the metric system at some point in his life-- that's the only explanation I can think of. Taxi driver: Mmm-hmm... The guys outside the bakery have moved their party to a taxi and are on their way to find Raul & Esmerelda's taxi, which, at this point, has dropped them off at their homes already. I.M.: Where are we going? I forgot. Buffy: Are you always this stupid? I.M.: No, only when I'm with you. I.M. is in love with Buffy, only she doesn't know it. Buffy: You weren't supposed to read that part of the line! Now I know! I.M.: Sorry. Al: Well paint me green and call me Gumby! Oooops, wrong line- I mean Alllllllrightithen. Buffy: Well paint me green and call me Gumby! Howard: Another one bites the dust! Well, there went my last brain cell... (a currently popular song comes on the radio)*** (hint: this is the clue) Al: Oooh! I love this song! "'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one's blowing up a tractor." Buffy: That's not the real line. Al: I don't care. Sounds better than "the other one's hailing a taxi cab." We're already in a taxi, remember? I.M.: Yeah--what he said. Howard: Hey, that's my line. Al: SHUT UP! You don't have any brain cells left, remember? Howard: No. Join us next time when absolutely nothing happens (as if you'd notice). *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage: Why do women so frequently need handbags to carry all their stuff in while men can usually get by with just a wallet? unsigned: The Other One. To The Other One, Can you picture a guy carrying a purse around? Me neither. Also, females need the extra space for lipstick, lipstick and lipstick. Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage: Why are people so redundant? Why do they repeat themsellves,saying the same things over and over? Like, f'rinstance, calling themselves Wise Sage? -- Mangrove Moose Dear Mangrove Moose, Because two are better than one, unless you're referring to politicians or lawyers. (And also, 'cause we're stoopid) Wise Wise Sage Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Another poem by Ben Ohmart... Anything But Shopping Will Do (interactive) i was sitting behind a super computer mine shopping through cyberspace and there was the .jpg of a sweater i thought would be perfect for (insert name you care about here) so i emailed in my order and in 7 to 10 working days i got (insert something silly, or else there's no point) And now a message from DP... Well, I know I'm not "other people", but my alter ego (aka my inner child) decided it was her turn to write something for fme. This is actually a poem I wrote for my brother (MM) on his birthday this past week. Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. A BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FOR MY IDIOT BROTHER Roses are red Violent blue* Hope that you Explode soon Oh, never mind Didn't mean that I's just kiddin' You little rat Show your friends F.M.E. Or I'll blow you Into next week "This doesn't rhyme" "Yes it does!" Well, take this thing 'Cuz I couldn't get "Buzz".** Just want you to know You're un-groovay*** But what do I know? Happy Birthday NO PEANUTS FROM THE COMMENT GALLERY ARE NECESSARY... er, whatever. *"Violent Blue" is a cool song done by a band called Chagall Guevara. If you haven't heard of them, I'm not surprised. They only made one album about five years ago, but it's a *very* good one and if you ever do get a chance to buy that album somewhere, BUY IT!!! It may be the only chance you'll get to get it. **"Buzz" is the title of an album that MM wants. I was gonna get that for him, but I couldn't find it anywhere. ***"Groovy" is the ultimate compliment (according to MM). "Groovay" is a step above that. Being groovay is sorta like being pregnant: either you are, or you aren't. ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ I have an urgent message for JJO and JAH: "Are you a chicken fajita?" --From XX I have an urgent message for XX: "Go eat chocolate." --From DP I have an urgent message for all FME subscribers: "I hope you are having a good week forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme I hope your family and friends are doing well forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme Do you believe in subliminal messages? forceyourfriendstosubscribetofme Me neither. --From XX ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- We here at FME have decided to conduct an experiment in poem-writing. XX and DP will write every other line of the poem, without knowing what the other one just wrote. (unless they accidentaly backspace, of course- which I (XX) did once, and prematurely discovered that the bagpipe didn't say no) The only line it doesn't apply to is the last one. We hope it makes no sense to you at all, 'cause if it does, you should get your medication changed. This poem has no title, but it's called Experiment#1 ---------------------------------------------------- spiderwebs cover the old tractor in the barn and then there was a loud BANG!!! alas, I am mired hopelessly in the quagmire upon investegation, it was discovered that I store pop cans in old Pringles cans. and the bagpipe didn't say no KABLOOEY!!!!!! oink. Finally, I blow my computer to bits... Whatever it is, goodbye. This poem has no title, but it's called Experiment#2 ---------------------------------------------------- I got a letter with a window I shake my pop bottle, and it explodes upon opening and fresh bananas I squeal in pain as wonderful pink flowers embroidered on it the man in the white coat smiles... I made some cornbread for you I laugh. --don't you just HATE it when you start typing with your hands in the wrong position? The following is such a poem, with translation included. o jp[r upi rmkpu oy/ (i hope you enjoy it) Yjod [pr, jsd mp yoy;r/ )niy oyd vs;;rf yrj NHY [pr,z- This poem has no title. (but it's called the BGT poem) ------------------------------------------------------ Yjr dimdry gsfrd pm yjr fodysmy djptr The sunset fades on the distant shore Yjr sndytsvy frdohmd. to[[;omh. sd og imfrvofrf/// The abstract designs, rippling, as if undecided... Upi vp,r yp ,u ,omf sd upi esbr upit noh htrrm yjomh You come to my mind as you wave your big green thing ----- AAAAAAARRGH!!!! It's time to go again!!! Don't you just hate when that happens? I do. But if we put everything cool in this issue, we'd have nothing left for any more issues. Time to go. Bye-bye. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide) as long as it is not changed in any way. To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. Send all general comments to either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. ^^^^^ Fij/ Yjr rmf esd esu nsvl yjrtr/ Eju str upi trsfomh yjod (shift button) Duh. The end was way back there. Why are you reading this?