FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #16 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers: Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes): email@example.com Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper): firstname.lastname@example.org Extra Staff: Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent) --DP's brother & computer expert FME on the web: http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Today, a special, cheery, FME welcome goes out to all our new subscribers. We found 30 new subscriptions in our mailboxes this week! Which brings our grand total to... 111 people!!! And a hearty "Thank you" goes out to all those questioning minds out there who wrote the Wise Sage questions in the past couple of weeks. She no longer needs to knit socks to squelch her boredom:-) Vocabulary word of the week: Eruct. It means "to belch". Go ahead--look it up. We dare ya. Please answer the following one-question quiz before continuing. One-question Quiz ----------------- 2. Are you a human being? A. Yes B. No C. Both A and B D. Neither A nor B E. All of the above F. None of the above How to interpret the results: if you answered a, b, c, d, e, or f, you should continue on to read the rest of this magazine. ---------- The following is stoopid. It is in fact so stoopid that we don't think you should read it. But read it anyway. ##################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS* @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on ATTB, the taxi driver which has kidnapped Raul and Esmeralda decides to return them to their homes. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang has contacted 911. (and gotten a wacko operator on the line). Outside the bakery... Howard: I think we should take that *#!* 911 operator, and tie her !?*# toenails to a #@! rabid dog!! Buffy: Violence is not the way to solve problems, Howard. Al: I don't know why not. What about football? I.M.: Do football players use the metric system? Buffy: What does that have to do with anything? I.M.: I don't know. Al: Does it have to relate to anything? I mean, this is just a stupid internet magazine soap opera anyway. Buffy: Where'd he come from? Al: Who cares? Let's find Raul and Esmerelda. Howard: Yeah- what he said. Buffy: You *always* say that! Howard: Yeah- what she said. In the taxi... Taxi driver: So where do you live anyway? Raul: There. (points to a phone booth) Taxi driver: What, are you Superman or something? Raul: Hey! Don't tell anyone! Esmerelda: You're Superman? How come you never told me? Raul: Shh! I don't want everyone to know! Esmerelda: (yelling out the window) Hey, this is Superman!! Raul: Hey, didn't these writers say last week that we were already home? Esmerelda: Yeah, but they've been sniffing a lot of Kool-aid dust lately. Join us next time when something happens. *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email email@example.com with your questions Dear Wise Sage: What is a mojo and how do I get it to work? unsigned: No Help from Dictionaries To No Help..., A mojo is an obscure relative of the weed whacker, often used as a murder weapon. As for getting it to work... plugging it in might help! Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Why do you think you can't end a sentence with a preposition? Don't you realize that you're blindly following unfounded and outdated rules of grammar that oughtn't to be followed? Concerned pedant Dear Concerned pedant, Yes, grammar rules are made to be broken... the *real* question is- who fixes the broken rules?? Wise Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org There is a book that both XX and I (DP) have read and thought very funny. It is called _Pocket Girdles and Other Confessions of a Northwest Farmgirl_ written by Marianne Love, who also writes "Postcards from Potato Land" every week (and recruits more subscribers for FME than anyone else). We think you would like this book, too. If you'd like to order this book, send email to email@example.com for more information. Postcards from Potato Land We will not try to outcold anyone this week because we know that's impossible. We did have ice on the horse trough though. We knew it was definitely cold Thursday because it was a two-bucket day for thawing the hydrant. Rambo and Baby Horse had sparkly silver beards and tiny icicles hanging from their fetlocks. Folks here were mainly couch potatoes and mouse potatoes throughout the week. Mountains were snow white during the day and hot pink at sunset. The sky was deep blue. Ebbie the Labrador made quick trips outside to do her duty. And even the cats made crunchy sounds while slinking through the bushes. The cold caused sadness in Potato Land Saturday when two natives thought the ice on beautiful Lake Pend Oreille (pronounced Ponderay) was thick enough for their Thunderbird. The car wound its way across a bay once during the early morning hours, but the second time was not so good. We were driving by on a picture taking outing and saw lots of hugs and the tears of disbelief where divers had pulled them from their death chamber 47 feet beneath the surface. It is beautiful in Potato Land, but sometimes the beauty can be dangerous. To all our friends, be careful. Ice is not always nice. pg The following poem was written by Ben Ohmart... Apology Neglected 2 postmen said they were sorry they went home and their wives said "what was the first line of this poem all about?" and they answered it was art, go back to bed ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Hahahahaha!!! There is no news this week! Except that MM is planning to install Linux on the computer sometime in the very near future and that DP's account may be temporarily inactive until we get it all sorted out again. Just when you think you've got it all together.... ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Ice Cream Cone meets Gravity ---------------------------- SPLAT! XX Sadness ------- I cry I weep I tear out my hair I cut myself with knives I scream I hurl my telephone against the wall As I am forced to watch Lawyer commercials 24 hours a day. XX ---- Well, the sixteenth issue has been a blast, but now it's time to let all you very important people go do much more important things. Like homework, or work, or blowing up farm macheens. Bye now! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide) as long as it is not changed in any way. To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. Send all general comments to either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.