Issue #16, 5 February 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
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FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #16
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The Writers:
Renee Elrod (aka XX or Xavier Xerxes):
Melissa Hoffmeyer (aka DP or Dr. Pepper):

Extra Staff:
Andy Hoffmeyer (aka MM or Marvin the Magnificent)
--DP's brother & computer expert

FME on the web:

Today, a special, cheery, FME welcome goes out to all our new subscribers.
We found 30 new subscriptions in our mailboxes this week!  Which brings
our grand total to... 111 people!!!  And a  hearty "Thank you" goes
out to all those questioning minds out there who wrote the Wise Sage
questions in the past couple of weeks.  She no longer needs to knit
socks to squelch her boredom:-)

Vocabulary word of the week:  Eruct.  It means "to belch".  Go
ahead--look it up.  We dare ya.

Please answer the following one-question quiz
before continuing.

One-question Quiz

2.  Are  you a human being?
A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  Both A and B
D.  Neither A nor B
E.  All of the above
F.  None of the above

How to interpret the results:  if you answered a, b, c, d, e, or f,
you should continue on to read the rest of this magazine.

The following is stoopid.  It is in fact so stoopid that
we don't think you should read it.  But read it anyway.


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on ATTB, the taxi driver which has kidnapped
Raul and Esmeralda decides to return them to their homes.
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang has contacted 911. (and gotten
a wacko operator on the line).

Outside the bakery...

Howard:  I think we should take that *#!* 911 operator,
and tie her !?*# toenails to a #@! rabid dog!!
Buffy:  Violence is not the way to solve problems, Howard.
Al:  I don't know why not.  What about football?
I.M.:  Do football players use the metric system?
Buffy:  What does that have to do with anything?
I.M.:  I don't know.
Al:  Does it have to relate to anything?  I mean, this is just a
stupid internet magazine soap opera anyway.

Buffy:  Where'd he come from?
Al:  Who cares?  Let's find Raul and Esmerelda.
Howard:  Yeah- what he said.
Buffy:  You *always* say that!
Howard:  Yeah- what she said.

In the taxi...

Taxi driver:  So where do you live anyway?
Raul:  There.  (points to a phone booth)
Taxi driver:  What, are you Superman or something?
Raul:  Hey!  Don't tell anyone!
Esmerelda:  You're Superman?  How come you never told me?
Raul:  Shh!  I don't want everyone to know!
Esmerelda:  (yelling out the window)  Hey, this is Superman!!
Raul:  Hey, didn't these writers say last week that we were already
Esmerelda:  Yeah, but they've been sniffing a lot of Kool-aid dust

Join us next time when something happens.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Dear Wise Sage:

        What is a mojo and how do I get it to work?

unsigned:       No Help from Dictionaries

To No Help...,

A mojo is an obscure relative of the weed whacker, often used as a murder
weapon.  As for getting it to work... plugging it in might help!

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why do you think you can't end a sentence with a preposition?  Don't you
realize that you're blindly following unfounded and outdated rules of
grammar that oughtn't to be followed?

Concerned pedant

Dear Concerned pedant,

Yes, grammar rules are made to be broken...
the *real* question is- who fixes the broken rules??

Wise Sage

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

There is a book that both XX and I (DP) have read and thought
very funny.  It is called _Pocket Girdles and Other Confessions
of a Northwest Farmgirl_ written by Marianne Love, who also
writes "Postcards from Potato Land" every week (and recruits
more subscribers for FME than anyone else).  We think you would
like this book, too.  If you'd like to order this book, send
email to for more information.

Postcards from Potato Land

We will not try to outcold anyone this week because we know
that's impossible.  We did have ice on the horse trough though.
We knew it was definitely cold Thursday because it was a
two-bucket day for thawing the hydrant.  Rambo and Baby Horse
had sparkly silver beards and  tiny icicles hanging from their

Folks here were mainly couch potatoes and mouse potatoes
throughout the week.  Mountains were snow white during the day
and hot pink at sunset. The sky was deep blue.   Ebbie the
Labrador made quick trips outside to do her duty.  And even the
cats made crunchy sounds while slinking through the bushes.

The cold caused sadness in Potato Land Saturday when two natives
thought the ice on beautiful Lake Pend Oreille (pronounced
Ponderay) was thick enough for their Thunderbird.  The car wound
its way across a bay once during the early morning hours,  but
the second time was not so good.  We were driving by on a
picture taking outing and saw lots of  hugs and the tears of
disbelief where divers had pulled them from their death chamber
47 feet beneath the surface.

It is beautiful in Potato Land, but sometimes the beauty can be dangerous.

To all our friends, be careful.  Ice is not always nice.


The following poem was written by
Ben Ohmart...

Apology Neglected

2 postmen said they were sorry
they went home and their wives said
"what was the first line of this poem all about?"
and they answered it was art,
go back to bed


Hahahahaha!!!  There is no news this week!  Except that MM is
planning to install Linux on the computer sometime in the very
near future and that DP's account may be temporarily inactive
until we get it all sorted out again.  Just when you think you've
got it all together....

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Ice Cream Cone meets Gravity




I cry
I weep
I tear out my hair
I cut myself with knives
I scream
I hurl my telephone against the wall
As I am forced to watch
Lawyer commercials 24 hours a day.



Well, the sixteenth issue has been a blast, but now it's time to
let all you very important people go do much more important
things.  Like homework, or work, or blowing up farm macheens.
Bye now!


FME is on the web at

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in
which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide)
as long as it is not changed in any way.  To subscribe to Farm
Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email or  Send all general comments to either or