FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #14 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): firstname.lastname@example.org alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan email@example.com alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ G'day folks! Hello from the land of ice, snow, mud, and road salt! How's the weather on your side of the planet. (or on your planet, for that matter) HELP! My big toe just exploded! Just kidding- I just wanted to get your attention. And now that I (hopefully) have it. On with O.L.C.O.W. (our latest collection of wit)... --------------- DP's Adventure! --------------- snow, sleet, freezing rain, below zero temperatures... (farenheit--that'd be below -18 celsius) Those of you in warm climates can appreciate that you don't have to deal with this kind of weather. Those with similar climates to Wisconsin can sympathize with us. Wednesday night I was coming home from work. Driving was fine until I got to my road, which is notoriously a BAD winter road. There's a pretty steep hill about half a mile from my house, and I started up the hill, and I ALMOST got to the top. Then the car would not move any more. The tires were spinning and I was losing my patience (which doesn't take that long, really). So I got out of the car to see if there was anything in the trunk that I could use to get un-stuck. I had to hold on to the car to keep from falling because it was so slippery. There was a bag of ice melt stuff in the trunk, and I dumped a bunch of it in front of all four tires. Then I tried to move again, and it didn't work. Then I backed up and tried to start up the hill again. Couldn't back up too far, because there was someone down the hill who'd gotten stuck too. So I gave up. I walked the last half mile home in the rain. I came home cold and soaked. The upside of this is that I didn't have to work on Thursday night because the weather was too violent to drive anywhere. :) ##################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS* @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last time on "As the Tractor Burns": Buffy and gang came up with a plan to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver, who Raul and Esmerelda didn't think had kidnapped them, but actually did kidnap them. We now continue with our program... Howard: So let's get to it! I.M.: I'll call the taxi garage. (dials, phone rings at the taxi garage) Receptionist: Bubba's Taxi service. I.M.: Hi, I'd like to know where a certain taxi is going. Receptionist: Which cab are you looking for? I.M.: Um, it's yellow. Receptionist: All our cabs are yellow. I.M.: Well, how do you expect us normal citizens to tell them apart if they're all the same color? Buffy: Give me that! (steals the receiver) Hello, I'd like to report a kidnapping. Receptionist: Oh, my! You need to call the police. I'm afraid I can't help you. Buffy: But it's one of your cab drivers that's the kidnapper! Receptionist: Sorry, I just answer phones and get coffee. Buffy: Well, then, what kind of receptionist are you, anyway? Receptionist: I'm a blonde receptionist. Buffy: Well, that explains it, doesn't it? (hangs up) Al: Well, what did they say? Buffy: They can't help us unless we know which cab it is. Howard: I guess we better call 911. I.M.: Yeah, does anyone know the number for 911? Al: We must rescue Raul and Esmerelda from that evil taxi driver's clutch! I.M.: I thought the taxi had an automatic transmission... Join us next time as the crew searches for the taxi and tries to find out the phone number for 911... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Aargh! What's the matter with you people???? The Wise Sage is bursting with answers to profound questions, but needs to be asked the questions first! As a result of not being asked any questions, the Wise Sage has been forced to generate some dumb questions and equally dumb questions. Dear Wise Sage, Can slugs be taught to speak? from, Jenny Craig Dear Jenny, No, but they taste great in omelettes, and they are cheaper than mushrooms! Also, if you put them in weight-loss entrees, they will make the person puke up their stomach. Voila! Lose pounds quickly! Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage, Why does the alphabet exist? from, the person formerly known as John Doe Dear person... 234500092834750 520306757438205487 =1=`013=013=905-034285-28. Wise Sage ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Big thanks to Pascal Scheffers from the Netherlands for advice on DP & MM's computer problems! We changed some stuff last night, and it worked!!! But then today, just as we were getting ready to send this issue of FME from there, it screwed up again and wouldn't do anything. MM called the voice line up and asked them what was going on, and they say it's a problem with Trumpet Winsock. Now, MM is going to try to figure out how to fix it. Question: To all you guys who use Trumpet, how on earth do you get it to stay running? Ours kills itself all the time and we have to keep reloading it. But on the way over to the computer labs at the college this evening, XX came up with a brilliant diagnosis: MM's computer is a female and is suffering from PMS. This also explains why MM won't keep his hands off it... (just kidding, MM). Hmmm.... maybe *next* week it'll come from the new address, which in case you're wondering, is email@example.com ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Lava Lamp --------- Blurp Blurp Pulsating phlegm wads, dyed fluorescent red camouflaged as something in a lamp blurp. That's what happens to the world's booger supply. blurp. XX Wrong side of the Bed --------------------- My shoes are tarantula's homes I swell as the poison zooms through my capillaries I explode leaving a nasty mess then I pull myself together and form myself into a little ball to be thrown at my siblings. XX & DP Billow 3 -------- Billowing clouds of smoke engulf the horizon Billowing clouds in the sky engulf the billowing clouds of smoke Billowing trees billow atop the clouds and blow up a mountain at the hands of the one... the hideous pink lawn ornament seeks revenge... but alas, Zorba's Dance is a cool song. DP ------- And now, before we let you venture back into the "real world", we at FME proudle present... THE MUSIC CHARTS FROM THE FOURTH DEMENTION Top 10 albums Top 10 singles ------------- -------------- 1. _Violent Violins_ 1. "The Pimple Polka" various classical artists the new juveniles in town 2. _Negatives_ 2. "Quarter Horse" Pilfered Photographers Dime Store 3. _Bowl of Surprise_ 3. "Frozen" NotWorkingWhip Plastic Storage Bin 4. _Tent Stories_ 4. "War Sucks Scissors" Jake the Ripper Harold Green 5. _Expired_ 5. "Freeze Me" Coupons Oink 6. _Toybox_ 6. "Snort" Exploding Parachutes The Boll Weevil Band 7. _Turnips, Beets, and 7. "Shut up and Kill Me" Eyeballs_ -Horace's Hat Death Wish 8. _Demented Doorknobs_ 8. "Haunted Zoo" Cootie and the Starfish Ded Lepperd 9. _Leafrot_ 9. "Sunny Eggplant" John Hancock The Eyeless Eggplants 10. _Sinus Mazes_ 10. "My Hooting Heart" The Boll Weevil Band John Hancock :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide) as long as it is not changed in any way. To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. Send all general comments to either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.