Issue #14, 22 January 1996

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #14
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Writers (in no particular order):
melvan@pressenter.com alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan
re11@uwrf.edu alias XX or Xavier Xerxes
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

G'day folks!  Hello from the land of ice, snow, mud, and road salt!
How's the weather on your side of the planet.  (or on your planet,
for that matter)  HELP!  My big toe just exploded!  Just kidding-
I just wanted to get your attention.  And now that I (hopefully) have
it.  On with O.L.C.O.W. (our latest collection of wit)...

---------------
DP's Adventure!
---------------

snow, sleet, freezing rain, below zero temperatures...
(farenheit--that'd be below -18 celsius)

Those of you in warm climates can appreciate that you don't have
to deal with this kind of weather.  Those with similar climates
to Wisconsin can sympathize with us.

Wednesday night I was coming home from work.  Driving was fine
until I got to my road, which is notoriously a BAD winter road.
There's a pretty steep hill about half a mile from my house, and
I started up the hill, and I ALMOST got to the top.  Then the
car would not move any more.  The tires were spinning and I was
losing my patience (which doesn't take that long, really).  So I
got out of the car to see if there was anything in the trunk
that I could use to get un-stuck.  I had to hold on to the car
to keep from falling because it was so slippery.  There was a
bag of ice melt stuff in the trunk, and I dumped a bunch of it
in front of all four tires. Then I tried to move again, and it
didn't work.  Then I backed up and tried to start up the hill
again. Couldn't back up too far, because there was someone down
the hill who'd gotten stuck too. So I gave up. I walked the last
half mile home in the rain.  I came home cold and soaked.  The
upside of this is that I didn't have to work on Thursday night
because the weather was too violent to drive anywhere. :)

#####################
AS THE TRACTOR BURNS*
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last time on "As the Tractor Burns":  Buffy and gang came up with
a plan to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver, who
Raul and Esmerelda didn't think had kidnapped them, but actually
did kidnap them.

We now continue with our program...

Howard:  So let's get to it!
I.M.:  I'll call the taxi garage.  (dials, phone rings at the taxi garage)
Receptionist:  Bubba's Taxi service.
I.M.:  Hi, I'd like to know where a certain taxi is going.
Receptionist:  Which cab are you looking for?
I.M.:  Um, it's yellow.
Receptionist:  All our cabs are yellow.
I.M.:  Well, how do you expect us normal citizens to tell them
apart if they're all the same color?
Buffy:  Give me that!  (steals the receiver)  Hello, I'd like to
report a kidnapping.
Receptionist:  Oh, my!  You need to call the police.  I'm afraid
I can't help you.
Buffy:  But it's one of your cab drivers that's the kidnapper!
Receptionist:  Sorry, I just answer phones and get coffee.
Buffy:  Well, then, what kind of receptionist are you, anyway?
Receptionist:  I'm a blonde receptionist.
Buffy:  Well, that explains it, doesn't it? (hangs up)
Al:  Well, what did they say?
Buffy:  They can't help us unless we know which cab it is.
Howard:  I guess we better call 911.
I.M.:  Yeah, does anyone know the number for 911?
Al:  We must rescue Raul and Esmerelda from that evil taxi
driver's clutch!
I.M.:  I thought the taxi had an automatic transmission...

Join us next time as the crew searches for the taxi and tries to
find out the phone number for 911...

***************
*  Wise Sage  *
***************
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email re11@uwrf.edu with your questions

Aargh!  What's the matter with you people????  The Wise Sage is bursting
with answers to profound questions, but needs to be asked the questions
first!  As a result of not being asked any questions, the Wise Sage has
been forced to generate some dumb questions and equally dumb questions.

Dear Wise Sage,

Can slugs be taught to speak?

from, Jenny Craig

Dear Jenny,

No, but they taste great in omelettes, and they are cheaper than
mushrooms!  Also, if you put them in weight-loss entrees, they will
make the person puke up their stomach.  Voila!  Lose pounds quickly!

Wise Sage

Dear Wise Sage,

Why does the alphabet exist?

from, the person formerly known as John Doe

Dear person...

234500092834750 520306757438205487 =1=`013=013=905-034285-28.

Wise Sage


------------------
URGENT FME NEWS!!!
------------------

Big thanks to Pascal Scheffers from the Netherlands for advice
on DP & MM's computer problems!  We changed some stuff last night,
and it worked!!!

But then today, just as we were getting ready to send this issue
of FME from there, it screwed up again and wouldn't do anything.
MM called the voice line up and asked them what was going on, and
they say it's a problem with Trumpet Winsock.  Now, MM is going to
try to figure out how to fix it.

Question:  To all you guys who use Trumpet, how on earth do you
get it to stay running?  Ours kills itself all the time and we
have to keep reloading it.

But on the way over to the computer labs at the college this
evening, XX came up with a brilliant diagnosis:  MM's computer
is a female and is suffering from PMS.  This also explains why
MM won't keep his hands off it... (just kidding, MM).

Hmmm.... maybe *next* week it'll come from the new address, which
in case you're wondering, is melvan@pressenter.com

----------------
Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash
----------------

Lava Lamp
---------

Blurp
Blurp
Pulsating phlegm wads,
dyed fluorescent red
camouflaged as
something in a lamp
blurp.
That's what happens to
the world's
booger supply.
blurp.

XX

Wrong side of the Bed
---------------------

My shoes
are tarantula's homes
I swell as the poison zooms
through my capillaries
I explode
leaving a nasty mess
then I pull
myself
together
and form myself
into a little
ball
to be thrown
at my
siblings.

XX & DP

Billow 3
--------

Billowing clouds of smoke
engulf the horizon
Billowing clouds in the sky
engulf the billowing
clouds of smoke
Billowing trees billow atop
the clouds
and blow up
a mountain
at the hands of
the one...
the hideous pink
lawn ornament
seeks revenge...
but alas,
Zorba's Dance is
a cool song.

DP

-------

And now, before we let you venture back into the "real world", we
at FME proudle present...

THE MUSIC CHARTS FROM THE FOURTH DEMENTION

Top 10 albums                       Top 10 singles
-------------                       --------------
1.  _Violent Violins_               1.  "The Pimple Polka"
various classical artists           the new juveniles in town
2.  _Negatives_                     2.  "Quarter Horse"
Pilfered Photographers              Dime Store
3.  _Bowl of Surprise_              3.  "Frozen"
NotWorkingWhip                      Plastic Storage Bin
4.  _Tent Stories_                  4.  "War Sucks Scissors"
Jake the Ripper                     Harold Green
5.  _Expired_                       5.  "Freeze Me"
Coupons                             Oink
6.  _Toybox_                        6.  "Snort"
Exploding Parachutes                The Boll Weevil Band
7.  _Turnips, Beets, and            7.  "Shut up and Kill Me"
Eyeballs_ -Horace's Hat             Death Wish
8.  _Demented Doorknobs_            8.  "Haunted Zoo"
Cootie and the Starfish             Ded Lepperd
9.  _Leafrot_                       9.  "Sunny Eggplant"
John Hancock                        The Eyeless Eggplants
10.  _Sinus Mazes_                  10.  "My Hooting Heart"
The Boll Weevil Band                John Hancock

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

FME is on the web at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/

This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in
which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel
free to distribute this document far and wide (especially wide)
as long as it is not changed in any way.  To subscribe to Farm
Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email melvan@pressenter.com or
re11@uwrf.edu.  Send all general comments to either
melvan@pressenter.com or re11@uwrf.edu.

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