FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #13 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): email@example.com alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan firstname.lastname@example.org alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Howdy, again folks! The magazine was late this week for a very good reason. The computer labs at the college were closed yesterday because of Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday. It's one of those "American Holidays". In case you haven't heard of him, let me tell you who he was. Martin Luther King was an American civil rights activist in the 1960s. He fought for black rights (African-American if you prefer). He is most famous for his "I Have a Dream" speech. Of course, we think they should make a "Dave Barry day" or a "Weird Al" Yankovic day. They are famous for booger jokes and polka parodies, respectively. Of course, I s'pose they'd have to be dead before they made holidays out of them. And I am *not* a murderer. Have a nice day, and remember- Pigs snort. (but not if they have nose constipation) And in case you're wondering, there already is a FME day--August 18, the day the magazine was created. (but it was called "Weirdly" at the time) Here we go again in our excursion into total stupidity... ##################### AS THE TRACTOR BURNS* @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Characters: Raul: played by Jim Varney Esmerelda: played by Roseanne I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey Buffy: played by Princess Di Last week on "As the Tractor Burns": Raul and Esmerelda were in the bakery when the rest of the gang showed up. I.M. and Buffy were in a heated debate over ant farms, and when Raul and Esmerelda got sick of them fighting, they called a taxi to take them away. Al (the idiot that he is) concluded that the taxi driver had kidnapped them, and convinced everybody to rescue them from the evil taxi driver. And now, the continuing saga continues, as sagas usually continue, continuing with the saga of the continuing saga... (Al, Buffy, Howard, and I.M. are outside the bakery planning how to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver's clutch) Al: We need a plan. Howard: Yeah, what he said. Buffy: How 'bout this: we call the taxi company and find out where that taxi's going. I.M.: Sure, but what if they leave the taxi and get a white Ford Bronco instead? Howard: Then we'll just have to call the police and get a highway chase going. Al: And it'll be publicized on national TV! Buffy: And then the taxi driver will regret the day he started driving cab! Howard: What's a cab? I.M.: It's a baby lion. (Meanwhile, in the taxi...) Raul: I wish those guys would quit fighting over stupid things. Esmerelda: Yeah, I bet they figured that this taxi driver kidnapped us. Can you believe those guys? Taxi driver: Ha ha ha! I *did* kidnap you! Raul: Oh no! Where are you taking us? Taxi driver: To the state fair! Then I'll put you in the horse barn and lock it up! You'll be smelling horse dung for the rest of your lives! Esmerelda: Cool. Join us next time as the gang tries to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver... *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email email@example.com with your questions Come on, you guys! Nobody's sending the Wise Sage letters. Dear Wise Sage, Are you getting bored with no one sending you letters? Mr. Runt Dear Mr. Runt, Oooh, ooh--a letter! Oh, cool! This is great! I finally have a letter to answer! I'm so happy! The answer is.......YES! I'm so bored I'm knitting my third cousin a new sock! PLEASE HELP ME! Wise Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email firstname.lastname@example.org Postcards from Potato Land Regardless of the game's outcome, we in Potato Land want to congratulate the publishers of Farm Macheenery (exploding) and all the other folks in Wisconsin for their Green Bay Packers. Potato Land folks follow the Packers because one of our Spud High graduates played for the Pack. He not only played for the Pack; he threw "the famous block" when Vince Lombardi was coach and the Packers dominated football. His name is Jerry Kramer, and we're proud of him. Speaking of football and Spud High, we'd like to invite folks to come to our barnyard this February or March for the Spud-in-the-Mud Olympics. We don't know the exact date because we hold this great event whenever the mud and that other stuff that shows up in barnyards gets all churned up and turns into total slop. Then, conditions are just right. Events include the spud relay, spud tug and a soupy game of spudball. The final event is held indoors. It's a spud athon. Whoever consumes the most baked red russets complete with skin and trim wins. We promise a great time had by all. Will keep you posted. May your spuds go thud in the mud. pg ---- The following important announcement comes to you straight from the pen of XX's dad (aka P. Elrod). Well I went to Hardee's one day with my friend. I stopped at the drive-through and said "Make me two strawberry shakes 'cause they're messy to make." Now I saw one girl laugh, and when we received our shakes we drove away; quickly I noticed that they were not too red. I also discovered that the strawberries were in larger chunks than I expected. I was even more surprised to find out that they could be conveniently sucked up the straw. I guess that's why we call them strawberries--they maintain most of their character going through a straw. (Now actually, it's the 15 PSI air pressure that forces the berries up the straw due to the lack of air pressure inside of the straw.) If physics is not your hobby and you want a more serene experience and prefer to take it easy--remember this poem, and quote it if need arises. Also explain to them that physics is not your hobby, and they need to do their little jobby. The Strawberry Shake Make me a strawberry shake can you take it Because they're messy to make oh don't fake it Now I could really sip 'em If you really rip 'em well- just let those berries fly! Give it a try. Shake it- quake it. You can make it! They hit- the wall And that's not all! -------- Culture ~~~~~~~ He wore an Overall Carelessly She wore a hat with abandon He accepted the money with a smile And handed her a hot dog with relish. The Tricky Pork Man (Passed along by The Other One) ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Dr. Pepper needs your help!! DP and her brother, MM, are trying very hard to get the software installed and configured correctly on MM's computer. Somehow, it isn't working. Here we have all the specs for MM's computer. If you can help us figure out what the problem is, please do! 486 DX2-66 with the following: 4 megs RAM 512K video RAM Windows 3.11 for workgroups 16-bit version of Netscape Trumpet Winsock version 2.0? Eudora version 1.4.1 14.4 modem Shiva PPP dialer Now, here's what happens: We dial with the Shiva PPP dialer, and it connects. Then we try to load Netscape, and we get a message that says "Netscape was unable to locate the server. There may be insufficient system resources or the server may be down." With Eudora, we check the mail, and we have the little hourglass, and it doesn't seem to do anything. It locks up and we can't even exit the program without restarting the computer. Please, if you have any idea at all what's wrong, let us know! This is very important for FME. ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Untitled #87 ------------ Bonk! dead. Bang! dead. Teethless hockey skaters ripped my teddy bear to shreds. I weep. XX Ink The disco boots writhe in pain on the concrete floor as the orange pea commences its oratory on the high price of carpet fuzz DP Shaking in a Winter Wonderland ------------------------------ Snow falls gently on the perfect colonial town Santa in his sleigh hovers frozen in the air above Suddenly- EARTHQUAKE! The citizens question the large hand on the horizon as once again the crystal snow globe endures perpetual winter XX Carbonated Beverage I know where I'm going I'm going to the cooler* I know where I'm going Better if it's sooner I know where I'm going It happens every time I go back there for something and then I forget what it was and spend 10 hours trying to figure it out. DP *DP works in a Pizza Hut, and this actually happens to her when she goes to the walk-in cooler to get something. Maybe it's the cold air in there that makes her forget? --------- This is the very end of the magazine for this week. Until next time, remember: Farm Macheenery saves lives. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email email@example.com. Send all general comments to either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages are now online! Check us out at http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ where you can read back issues and dumb poetry, among other things. This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long as it is not changed in any way.