Issue #13, 16 January 1996

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FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #13
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The Writers (in no particular order): alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan alias XX or Xavier Xerxes

Howdy, again folks!

The magazine was late this week for a very good reason.  The computer
labs at the college were closed yesterday because of Dr. Martin Luther
King's birthday.  It's one of those "American Holidays".  In case you
haven't heard of him, let me tell you who he was.  Martin Luther King
was an American civil rights activist in the 1960s.  He fought for black
rights (African-American if you prefer).  He is most famous for his "I
Have a Dream" speech.  Of course, we think they should make a "Dave Barry
day" or a "Weird Al" Yankovic day.  They are famous for booger jokes
and polka parodies, respectively.  Of course, I s'pose they'd have to be
dead before they made holidays out of them.  And I am *not* a murderer.
Have a nice day, and remember- Pigs snort.  (but not if they have nose

And in case you're wondering, there already is a FME day--August 18, the
day the magazine was created.  (but it was called "Weirdly" at the time)

Here we go again in our excursion into total stupidity...


The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

Last week on "As the Tractor Burns":

Raul and Esmerelda were in the bakery when the rest of the gang showed
up.  I.M. and Buffy were in a heated debate over ant farms, and when
Raul and Esmerelda got sick of them fighting, they called a taxi to
take them away.  Al (the idiot that he is) concluded that the taxi
driver had kidnapped them, and convinced everybody to rescue them from
the evil taxi driver.  And now, the continuing saga continues, as sagas
usually continue, continuing with the saga of the continuing saga...

	(Al, Buffy, Howard, and I.M. are outside the bakery planning
	how to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from the evil taxi driver's

Al:  We need a plan.
Howard:  Yeah, what he said.
Buffy:  How 'bout this:  we call the taxi company and find out where
that taxi's going.
I.M.:  Sure, but what if they leave the taxi and get a white Ford Bronco
Howard:  Then we'll just have to call the police and get a highway chase
Al:  And it'll be publicized on national TV!
Buffy:  And then the taxi driver will regret the day he started driving
Howard:  What's a cab?
I.M.:  It's a baby lion.

	(Meanwhile, in the taxi...)

Raul:  I wish those guys would quit fighting over stupid things.
Esmerelda:  Yeah, I bet they figured that this taxi driver kidnapped us.
Can you believe those guys?
Taxi driver:  Ha ha ha!  I *did* kidnap you!
Raul:  Oh no!  Where are you taking us?
Taxi driver:  To the state fair!  Then I'll put you in the horse barn and
lock it up!  You'll be smelling horse dung for the rest of your lives!
Esmerelda:  Cool.

Join us next time as the gang tries to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from
the evil taxi driver...

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Come on, you guys!  Nobody's sending the Wise Sage letters.

Dear Wise Sage,
Are you getting bored with no one sending you letters?
Mr. Runt

Dear Mr. Runt,
Oooh, ooh--a letter!  Oh, cool!  This is great!  I finally have a
letter to answer!  I'm so happy!  The answer is.......YES!  I'm so
bored I'm knitting my third cousin a new sock!  PLEASE HELP ME!
Wise Sage

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Postcards from Potato Land

Regardless of the game's outcome, we in Potato Land want to congratulate
the publishers  of Farm Macheenery (exploding) and all the other folks in
Wisconsin for their Green Bay Packers.

Potato Land folks follow the Packers because one of our Spud High graduates
played for the Pack.  He not only played for the Pack; he threw "the famous
block" when Vince Lombardi was coach and the Packers dominated football.
His name is Jerry Kramer, and we're proud of him.

Speaking of football and Spud High, we'd like to invite folks to come to
our barnyard this February or March for the Spud-in-the-Mud Olympics.  We
don't know the exact date because we hold this great event whenever the mud
and that other stuff that shows up in barnyards gets all churned up and
turns into total slop.  Then,  conditions are just right.

Events include the spud relay, spud tug and a soupy game of spudball. The
final event is held indoors.  It's a spud athon.  Whoever consumes the most
baked red russets complete with skin and trim wins.

We promise a great time had by all.  Will keep you posted.

May your spuds go thud in the mud.


The following important announcement comes to you straight from
the pen of XX's dad (aka P. Elrod).

Well I went to Hardee's one day with my friend.  I stopped at the
drive-through and said "Make me two strawberry shakes 'cause
they're messy to make."  Now I saw one girl laugh, and when we
received our shakes we drove away; quickly I noticed that they
were not too red.  I also discovered that the strawberries were
in larger chunks than I expected.  I was even more surprised to
find out that they could be conveniently sucked up the straw.  I
guess that's why we call them strawberries--they maintain most of
their character going through a straw.  (Now actually, it's the
15 PSI air pressure that forces the berries up the straw due to
the lack of air pressure inside of the straw.)
If physics is not your hobby and you want a more serene
experience and prefer to take it easy--remember this poem, and
quote it if need arises.  Also explain to them that physics is
not your hobby, and they need to do their little jobby.

The Strawberry Shake

Make me a strawberry shake
can you take it
Because they're messy to make
oh don't fake it

Now I could really sip 'em
If you really rip 'em
well- just let those berries fly!
Give it a try.

Shake it- quake it.
You can make it!
They hit- the wall
And that's not all!



He wore an Overall

She wore a hat
with abandon

He accepted the money
with a smile

And handed her a hot dog
with relish.

		The Tricky Pork Man
		(Passed along by The Other One)


Dr. Pepper needs your help!!

DP and her brother, MM, are trying very hard to get the software installed
and configured correctly on MM's computer.  Somehow, it isn't working.
Here we have all the specs for MM's computer.  If you can help us figure
out what the problem is, please do!

486 DX2-66 with the following:
4 megs RAM
512K video RAM
Windows 3.11 for workgroups
16-bit version of Netscape
Trumpet Winsock version 2.0?
Eudora version 1.4.1
14.4 modem
Shiva PPP dialer

Now, here's what happens:  We dial with the Shiva PPP dialer, and it
connects.  Then we try to load Netscape, and we get a message that says
"Netscape was unable to locate the server.  There may be insufficient
system resources or the server may be down."

With Eudora, we check the mail, and we have the little hourglass, and
it doesn't seem to do anything.  It locks up and we can't even exit
the program without restarting the computer.

Please, if you have any idea at all what's wrong, let us know!  This
is very important for FME.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

Untitled #87

Teethless hockey skaters
ripped my teddy bear to shreds.
I weep.



The disco boots
writhe in pain
on the concrete floor
as the orange pea
commences its oratory
on the high price
of carpet fuzz


Shaking in a Winter Wonderland

Snow falls gently
on the perfect
colonial town
in his sleigh
in the air above
The citizens question
the large hand
on the horizon
once again
the crystal snow
perpetual winter


Carbonated Beverage

I know where I'm going
I'm going to the cooler*
I know where I'm going
Better if it's sooner
I know where I'm going
It happens every time
I go back there for something
and then I forget what it was and spend 10 hours trying to figure it out.


*DP works in a Pizza Hut, and this actually happens to her when
she goes to the walk-in cooler to get something.  Maybe it's the
cold air in there that makes her forget?


This is the very end of the magazine for this week.  Until next time,
remember:  Farm Macheenery saves lives.


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This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.