Issue #12, 8 January 1996

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F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #12
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The Writers (in no particular order): alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan alias XX or Xavier Xerxes

Greetings.  I guess (even though it's still December while we're
working on this) that this is the second issue of 1996.  (wow,
ain't we perceptive)

And now...
for all you soap opera addicts out there-
(you know who you are)
we introduce------



The Characters:
Raul:  played by Jim Varney
Esmerelda:  played by Roseanne
I.M. Gilty: played by O.J. Simpson
Howard Stern: played by Barney the Dinosaur
Al Rightithen: played by Jim Carrey
Buffy:  played by Princess Di

The plot:
there is none. Hahaha- just kidding!
Here goes...

scene one:  The bakery.  Raul and Esmerelda are buying breakfast.

Raul:  These day-old liver donuts look good.
Esmerelda:  Sure, why not?  Hey, look over there!

        (Esmerelda spots I.M. Gilty and Buffy in a heated argument)

Buffy:  How dare you suggest that my ant farm is disorganized!
        You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
I.M.:  I didn't do it!
Buffy:  You did and you know it!!
I.M.:  I didn't!  I'm not guilty!

        (Esmerelda interrupts)

Esmerelda:  SHUT UP!!!

        (Howard Stern and Al Rightithen approach the situation.)

Howard:  You @*$@?!! people!  Can't you solve your #@*&$!@$ problems?
Al:  Allllllll righty then!
Raul:  TAXI!!

        (a taxi takes Raul and Esmerelda away)

Al:  Now look what you've done!  You made that cab driver kidnap
        Raul and Esmerelda!
Buffy:  Oh, no!  How could we have been so selfish?  We must find
        them and return them to safety!
Howard:  Yeah, what she said.

Next week:  Buffy and gang try to rescue Raul and Esmerelda from
        the evil taxi driver.

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

Apparrently nobody sent the Wise Sage any questions this week.
Guess we'll have to make one up.

Dear Wise Sage,
Where is the bathroom?

Dear John,
Down the hall, second door on your left, up the stairs, around
the corner, there it is!
Wise Sage

We are proud to bring you yet ANOTHER new section in FME:

Cooking with the FME editors
    don't try this at home

For our first recipe...
Tossed intestinal salad-
endorsed by Mr. Jeffrey Dahmer

Those of you with a weak stomach may not want to read this
recipe.  You have been warned.

You will need- one dead person, lettuce, beans, tomatoes, cheese
pickles, carrots, radishes, garlic, croutons

Optional:  sliced brains

Toss lettuce, beans, tomatoes, and cheese out the window.  Listen
to them go SPLAT on the pavement.  Pick them up and put them in
the bowl.  Add pickles, carrots, radishes, garlic, and croutons.
Toss out the window and put them back in the bowl.  Cook
intestines over high heat until they boil.  Cool down by using
the freezer.  Mix in with the rest of the salad.  Toss, put back,
and eat.  Serves 12.  40 calories per serving.

The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Postcards from Potato Land

Instead of spuds,  birds went thud this week.

Ebbie the Labrador comes home from being spayed. She immediately jumps
aboard the king size bed to empty her bladder.

An unknown live creature starts scratching within the bowels of the house.
Upon further inspection, the mad scratcher is detected inside the chimney
above the wood stove, which at the time is not in use.

How to get the creature out.

A much too excited Ebbie unwillingly swallows a tranquilizer after leaving
an additional puddle on the bedroom carpet.

Back to the scratcher.
After several open-and-shut motions of the the stove shaft, the
creature--now known as a bird--falls into the stove.
The house door opens, and then, ever so carefully, the stove door.  The
speckled intruder escapes, flies into a living room window head-on and
falls to the floor.  Ebbie pounces and grabs.  Feathers fly.  The bird
escapes, only to go thud on the kitchen window.
Get a towel to capture the critter!  The bird escapes once more to an
inaccessible opening beneath the cupboards.
Oh great--how to get the creature out!

Time passes.
The bird escapes once more, flies to the kitchen window.  Thud.  Undaunted,
it soars to the living room.  Thud, once more.

Ebbie pursues!   Ouch, those stitches must hurt, but a bird in the mouth is....
Within seconds, the bird sits helpless, head dangling,  within black jaws.
The front door opens.
Let fate have its way.
Ebbie's mouth opens.
The bird flies to freedom.
Who says cats have nine lives?

May birds fly into into your potato paradise.

The following unform (freeer-than-freeform) poems were all keyed by the
Inexperienced Avatar, who asks where his gun is.


The neighbours are having a party
And the bass speaker is in my head.
It is four in the morning,
They've been at it for hours
And they only have one album
It goes thudthudthudthudthudthud


Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #1:



Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #2:



Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #3:



Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #4:



Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #5:


Experiment in Philosophical Brevity #6
                       (Party Reprise):


                The Inexperienced Avatar


For any of you who don't already know...
FME is on the web!!!!
check us out at

And also, DP is having a guy come to her house to install new
software, so FME should be coming to you from a new address very
soon.  Stay tuned for more details.

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash


Waving palms...
exotic breezes...
many waves...
more exotic breezes...
wafting across your face...
That's right-
You're at a political convention,
where they were all served


Untitled #83

Easily the biggest
I've ever seen.
Oh--ancient clock o' mine
Ding the hour 13
as if t'were yesteryear
And the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit issue
did fall out of
the sky
and squash
evil congressmen...


The end.


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This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.