FFFFFFFFF M M EEEEEEEEE F MM MM E Farm Macheenery F M M M M E (exploding) FFFFF M M M M EEEEE Issue #11 F M M M E F M M E F M M EEEEEEEEE +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Writers (in no particular order): firstname.lastname@example.org alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan email@example.com alias XX or Xavier Xerxes +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ This is the introduction. We have some very important, happy news to report. December 27 was XX's birthday! Happy birthday, XX! (from DP) Thanks to all who sent XX birthday email:-) HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! We hope you didn't do anything stupid on New Year's Eve. We also hope you didn't suffer too much from the lack of FME for a week. We have received plenty of responses to our reader survey, and we thank you from the bottom of our spleens. In the next issue (which we are actually getting started on in the next few minutes), we will have some new stuff for you to puzzle over. HEY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!! Here's a really neato section for y'all to enjoy this week... F M E R E E E E L Y C O O O L N E W P R O D U C T S 1) FME--The Breakfast Cereal The ONLY breakfast cereal that explodes in your mouth--not in your hand! Little tractors, plows, milk machines, with delightful marshmallows--green pigs, yellow cows, and purple chickens! And one special marshmallow in each box--Lucky the Leprecow! And... if you're looking for an out of the ordinary way to commit suicide- eat FME-The Breakfast Cereal. Your insides will be blown into next week. 2) FME Christmas Lights!!! Tractors that explode on your Christmas tree! Sounds of many different models of tractors exploding combine together to bring you an all-time favorite Christmas carol, "Silent Night" (or at least until you buy these lights) 3) FME--The album *BOOM*, *SCREEEEEEEEEEK*, *KABBBBBLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOEEEEEY*, etc. This lovely conversation piece will liven up any ole party with actual recorded sounds of tractors exploding in different environments- in the rain forest, under the ocean, amongst singing dolphins, by the crashing waves of the ocean, and amongst the "songs of the barnyard" (moo, moo) 4) FME--The album part II, by candlelight enjoy beautiful piano music superimposed about sounds of exploding Farm Macheenery. ----------- And now, straight to you from MM's bedroom, comes this important announcement: Give me the purple pea. Sorry. Actually, this is a list of interesting spellings of common words. We have made sure that each word contains at least one 'X'. Your job is to figure out what the word actually is! Hahahahahahaha! Mynneseauxttah shampeaux Wyskeauxnsyn expleauxsian Kallapheaurneaux *************** * Wise Sage * *************** **Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up at night, wondering? Ask the Wise Sage! email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions Dear Wise Sage: Why don't banks ever make chains on pens long enough? The Other One To The Other One: There was a rule made in banks world-wide that the chains on pens must be very, very short. This came about after an unfortunate incident in 1949 in a bank in Iowa where a bank teller committed suicide by strangling herself with one of the pen-chains in the bank. I am kidding, of course. Actually, the reason why the chains on pens are so short is because of The Great Wirecutter. The Great Wirecutter is a powerful being that takes the form of a wirecutter and goes to banks everywhere and snips the wires. From each wire it snips, The Great Wirecutter gains more power to wreak havoc on banks everywhere. The Wise Sage and following up... And who is it that carries the wirecutters? The Other One To The Other One: Why, The Great Wirecutter, of course. The Wise Sage Dear Wise Sage: Where's my gun? (Still) The Inexperienced Avatar To STIA: Hmmmmmm... let me consult my magical crystal globe... Just a sec... *SMASH*! Oops, I broke it! Anyhow, are there a lot of farm animals or wild animals living in close proximity to you? If so, then my guess is they stole it! That's right- all the animals of the world are cooking up a conspiracy to kidnap and hide everyones' guns and other ammunition. They are even possibly planning to take over the world! Future world leaders- look out! Future world leader: "Eek! Where has my bazooka gone? How will I ever blow the heads off my enemies?" Future world leader's consultant: "I don't know- but a herd of zebras just ran through the house" Future world leader's yes-man: "yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes" Future world leader: "SHUT UP!!!" Anyhow, you get the picture. So, if I were you, I'd look in a barn or a forest. The Wise Sage ************************************ The Section Where Other People Write ************************************ **To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or whatever in this section, email email@example.com Post Cards from Potato Land The most beautiful day ever came to Potato Land, and it was the first day of 1996. While white sales lured customers to the J.C. Penney Store and "Go You Northwestern" kept the collegiate couch potato happy, some Spudettes ventured to the great outdoors. These brave souls walked four miles round trip across a bridge while marveling at the deep blue skies, the snow white mountains and turquoise---- OOPS, NEWS BREAK--Ebbie, the black lab just galloped up the driveway with a partially eaten deer head. Looks like deerhead stew for New Year's dinner. Around this time of the year, we in Potato Land are so broke, we'll settle for just about anything to warm our tummies. Tomorrow night we can have Deerhead Soup along with the last of the rice krispie treats. Deerheads, Deerheads Rolly Polly Deerheads Deerheads, Deerheads Eat 'em up Yum Yum The sky may be blue and the mountains pretty, but when January comes to Potato Land, us folks work mighty hard to just to keep on livin'. May your Spuds go with Deerheads in the Stew! Happy New Year to each and every one of you! pg ------------------ URGENT FME NEWS!!! ------------------ Coming soon: The official Farm Macheenery (exploding) FAQ! The official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Dirty Sock! We are happy to announce that we are sending FME to 73 people, in countries such as: Australia, New Zealand, United Kingdom, The Netherlands, USA, and Canada! If your country isn't listed here, please let us know so we can add it to the list. Whoopee! We'd love to send it to even more people, soooo... force your friends to subscribe--they'll thank you for it later. (we hope) And we are happy to announce another important advance in FME technology. The Official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web Pages are now up!!! The URL is http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ Write it down and put it in your bookmarks! ---------------- Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash ---------------- Jam --- in my sandwich in my music in my predicaments on the freeway at rush hour with tea and bread in between my toes when i am dead XX & DP Why should I ------------ put snapple in my ears? strip my car's gears? get high on koolaid dust? chew on toenail crust? put staples in my face? burp along to "amazing grace" make friends with eyelash mites? ...because...this is becoming... a...very...lame...poem... XX & DP & MM-who tried ------------- Oh, it's that time again, eh? Darn. I was hoping this could go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... I have sad news to report.... This is the end of Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine for this week. See ya next week! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):) To subscribe to Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine, email firstname.lastname@example.org. Send all general comments to either email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org. The official Farm Macheenery (exploding) Web page, where you can read back issues, dumb poetry, and other stuff is finally running! The URL is http://www.pressenter.com/~melvan/ This document is copyright 1996 by Renee Elrod and Melissa Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people, in which case the copyright belongs to the original author. Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long as it is not changed in any way.