Issue #10, 18 December 1995

FFFFFFFFF       M       M       EEEEEEEEE
F               MM     MM       E               Farm Macheenery
F               M M   M M       E                 (exploding)
FFFFF           M  M M  M       EEEEE              Issue #10
F               M   M   M       E
F               M       M       E
F               M       M       EEEEEEEEE
The Writers (in no particular order): alias DP or Dr. Pepper or Melvan alias XX or Xavier Xerxes

This is the official Christmas Issue of Farm Macheenery
(exploding), unless of course you don't celebrate Christmas-
then this can be the official (Insert holiday you celebrate) Issue
of Farm Macheenery (exploding).


Hello, FME readers!

As we have been writing this mind-stimulating
ezine for a couple months now, we want to know
what YOU think about FME!
We want your input, so we can bust up your
responses into tiny bits and hurl them out
into cyberspace. Hahaha!  Just kidding.
We really want to know what you think, so here's
a few questions for you all...

1)  What is your favorite section of FME?

2)  What do you think we should add to FME?
3)  What do you think we should do to improve FME?
4)  Why are oranges orange?

Please send all replies to
Thankya, thankya!

And now...we have the results of the survey from Issue #6!
Once again we had soooo many replies that we had to stay
awake, night and day for a week to read them all!  Zzzzz...
No, really we would like to thank the two people that took
the time to reply to our survey.  And the rest of you--
Your computers are going to self-destruct if you don't reply
to surveys in the future.  Computers (exploding). Hahahaha!'s those results.

1.  What is your favorite (made-up) name for an
    alternative band?
    a.  Psycho Auctioneer
    b.  I.M.A. Booger
    c.  Spleen Demons
    d.  Forty-five Oatflakes--100%

d) 45 Oatflakes could be an alternative for eating (i.e. you die if you
try), so why not make it the name of a band that kills music.

2.  Why is Barney the Dinosaur purple?
    a.  Why ask why?
    b.  Because some careless child
        spilled grapejuice on him
    c.  Because Smurfs were blue, so
        they had to use another color this time--50%
***The other 50% answered "yes".

C) I hate smurfs. Especially the blue ones. But I hate purple even more, so
that should be the colour of something even more silly. Watch MTV's `the Maxx'
just once, and you know why purple is silly.

3.  Which of the following 3 word combinations
    appeals most to you?
    a.  Farm, Macheenery, Exploding--50%
    b.  plop, plop, plop--50%
    c.  weevil, termite, politician
    d.  idiotic, weedwhacker, hoopla

A) If you ever go to an actual farm don't forget to check out all the kewl
macheenery. There is only ONE farm machine that *REALY* _sucks_, and should be
blown up. The milking machine.

4.  What will you find at the end of the rainbow?
    a.  Judy Garland
    b.  Lucky the Leprachaun
    c.  a mud puddle
    d.  a treasure chest full of back issues of fme
***50% answered "true".

E) A stupid smurf with his purple dino. Some tomatos, some
buddists and finally some super grass.--50%

5.  Do you believe in spontaneous human combustion?
    a.  Yes
    b.  No
    c.  I believe in it for a fact,
        since there are flames shooting out my ears.
    d.  All of the above.--100%

D) Have you been watching BIONET.GENERAL?

Answer:  No, we haven't.  Is that some soap opera? ;-)

*  Wise Sage  *
**Do you have one of those questions that keeps you up
  at night, wondering?  Ask the Wise Sage!
  email with your questions

A sad note:  The Wise Sage is dead.

Not really.  The Wise Sage went on vacation because none of
you guys sent any letters this week.

A conversation between XX & DP:
**Note:  This conversation took place at DP's house on paper
as an interesting addition to the second ever issue of the offline
version of Farm Macheenery (exploding).

DP:  Hi, XX.

XX:  Say the word "conversation" 30 times and watch it turn
     to mush.

DP:  Hmmm...

XX:  Mmmmmh...

DP:  Coke bottles are cool.

XX:  Pina-pinapple* is just smashed Smarties in H2O.

DP:  PinEapple.  Smashed Smarties in H2SO4.

XX:  Buy my new Dimwit Cookies!

DP:  Sure, OK. Just don't eat pasta at Pizza Hut while I'm
     working, or I shall blow thine innards to thy

XX:  ...and fruit bats**...

DP:  ...and breakfast cereals**...

XX:  ...and fresh bananas

DP:  What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?**

XX:  answer:  zero if the sparrow's dead.

DP:  What about Bob?

XX:  He's dead too--he baby-stepped off a cliff.

DP:  Vomit?  Vomit?  We don't need no steenking vomit!***

XX:  Oh--go poop on a cord!

DP:  Remember the "cord snorgees"?

XX:  You betcha!  Blow bubbles for world peace.

DP:  Wimble Borg Oompus Electrus or bust!

XX:  bang.  boom.  bleen.

DP:  Boo-hoo!  The page is over!

*a flavor of Kool-aid
**these lines are adapted from a movie called "Monty Python
and the Holy Grail"
***an adaptation of a line from "UHF", where Raul says "Badgers?
   Badgers?  We don't need no steenking badgers!"


The Section Where Other People Write
**To see your original, funny stories, poems, ideas, or
  whatever in this section, email

Postcards from Potato Land

We're getting spud drops and spud spritz ready for Santa.  Quiet Saturdays
when everyone else is snoozing with visions of sugar spuds in their head
make for good times in the kitchen.  Celtic Christmas favorites on the CD
player create a proper mood for stirring festive mixtures in stainless
steel bowls.  Just need some white frosting on the ground outside to
complete a perfect scene.

Too much to do in Potato Land.  We have flurries here, but not the snow
kind.  Ours are flurries of desperate natives knowing that G-day is fast
approaching and gift grabbing is far from complete.  It'll be a jungle out
there in the malls and the shops.

The quiet of home, the kitchen, soft Celtic sounds provides a peaceful

Sorry about no silliness from Potato Land.  This Christmas stuff becomes
serious business when there's too much to do and so little time.

Here's wishing all of you lots of powdered sugar, gum drops,  scotch tape,
UPS trucks and ribbon that really does curl.

Back to spud spritz and potato harps.

May your red and green spuds go thud in the mud.


Next week's issue may be late.
If you go into FME withdrawal, here are our suggestions for
1)  Read the back issues over and over until
    your eyes bug out
2)  Stay tuned for the official Farm Macheenery
    (exploding) web pages, where you can read
    back issues, DPIACTT, and other great stuff
    until your eyes, once again, bug out
3)  Buy some old, broken-down Farm Macheenery,
    put it out in the middle of a field, and set
    fire to it.*
4)  Rent the movie UHF starring Weird Al Yankovic.
    That's a great movie.  Be sure to rent it if you
    want to know what a "Twinkie weiner sandwich" is.

*Note:  The FME writers are not responsible for the
        consequences, if you actually *do* this!!

Dumb Poetry in a
Card Type Trash

This first poem is something that DP & her brother came up
with one night many years ago while waiting in the car for
their parents.  A new version of "Deck the Halls".

Deck the halls with poison ivy
fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be naughty
fa la la la la, la la la la
Break the windows, slash the tires
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Set an old man's house on fire
fa la la la la, la la la la

These next poems come from the offline edition of FME...

"Identity Crisis"

Are you
my pituitary gland?


"The Answer"

I am


"Identity Crisis II"

I want to be
an Oscar Mayer Weiner.


"Identity Crisis III"

So do


"Identity Crisis IV"

I want to be
Identity Crisis.





"Identity Crisis, the sequel"

I'm dead.



Brush my teeth
and go to bed.



      /**       Sorry, folks, but this is the end of FME for this
     /****      week.  To all of our college student subscribers,
    /******     good luck on your finals!  And to everyone, merry
   /********    Christmas to you and yours from us and ours.


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magazine, email

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Watch this space for the URL for the Official Farm
Macheenery (exploding) Web Page!

This document is copyright 1995 by Renee Elrod and Melissa
Hoffmeyer, except for the material submitted by other people,
in which case the copyright belongs to the original author.
Feel free to distribute this document far and wide, as long
as it is not changed in any way.

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