Greetings, subscribers! Or shall I say, "exploding farmers"? Well, whatever you want to be called, you are part of a select group of people to have the first issue of the new, improved, fat-free, low salt, recycled milk jug containing, rBGH free Farm Macheenery (exploding) magazine. And now onto the magazine... First up, a new product feature... No, actually, don't you want to know who writes this stuff? Well, let's satisfy your curiosity. This magazine is written by Dr. Pepper and Xavier Xerxes (not our real names). It originates from the computers in the labs at our college (like you really cared about that). And now the new product feature... No, no, scratch that. A brief history of Farm Macheenery... Farmers started using farm machinery before we were born. Loooong before. And it continues to this day, when tractors in the middle of cornfields will spontaneously combust, given the right circumstances. For instance, if a water buffalo tramples the corn, leaving nothing but husks, the corn will definitely be destroyed and transported to the fourth dimension. Oh, you want the REAL story, do you? Well, about seven years ago, we were bored one afternoon, so we came up with this idea to make a really weird magazine. It was appropriately named "Weirdly Magazine". The name was later changed to "Duh! Magazine". That name stayed for years and years and years and years and years and years...well, you get the idea. Then we figured "Hey, this magazine needs a new name." So we renamed it (again) to "Kazoo Magazine". This consisted of three highly experiMENTAL issues which fell into the hands of a menacing villain who wished to burn them. However, the villain suddenly disappeared down a dark drain, never to be heard from again, and the issues were saved. I can hear you cheering. Anyway, after that horrendous episode, the name was changed to "Farm Macheenery (exploding) Magazine", a literary quest for the big green thing. And now, finally, the new product feature... Okay, so it isn't a new PRODUCT. It's a new hairstyle. Want a new haircut that no one else has ever had? Well, now you can! It's called the Buzzsaw Technique. Take a buzzsaw, tilt it to 180 degrees above your head, and drop it. You will want to have an enormous life insurance policy if you plan to do this. Have your husband and/or wife present at the time of your haircut. WARNING: Well, what you don't know can't hurt you...I think.... And now it's time for... ********************* * * * The Wise Sage * * * ********************* Have a question for the Wise Sage? Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject "Wise Sage". And now the questions. Dear Wise Sage, Which is the best laxative? Boundup Dear Boundup, If that's really your name, you need a laxative in a bad way. I would reccomend the old stand-by: bran muffins and prune juice. Wise Sage ********* Dear Wise Sage, Is it true that you locked yourself from the public eye because of a bad perm? If so, what kind of perm was it? Kodak Moment Dear Kodak Moment, No comment. Wise Sage ********* Dear Wise Sage, Did you know that without a W and an S, you're an ice age? Care to comment? Kinkle Dear Kinkle, Obviously, you can't spell. By the way, if you replace the first K in your name with a T, know what you get? Wise Sage ********* And that concludes our Wise Sage column for this issue. So now it's time for some poetry. No, no, don't leave! This isn't ordinary poetry! "Drugged" Chewing Wagging Panting Running Chasing Barking Peeing on fire hydrants Is it a dog? No, it's you after 50 Dr. Peppers. DP ********* "The Cow" A flower in the garden Grows. The cow in the pasture Poops. DP ********* "The Cemetery" The tears fall unchecked from my eyes as I stare at the cold slab of cement that marks your final resting place... I recall the times we spent together... The hideous pink lawn ornament screams in pain... XX ********* "Oops" Foreign-- black and mottled we eye it with distaste as it slithers out of the crack in the wall it squeaks in anger as we squash it with our shoe It is too late that we realize... it was the vital banana. XX ********* "Stripe" Spittle--Mr. Meow. He nods in agreement, but still questions the stripe. XX ********* "Rerun" The brilliance of the white light fills the small cubicle... as an unsuspecting cricket climbs the slippery surface... Again, the hideous pink lawn ornament screams in agony... XX & DP ********* "Lost" Do not forget the life you've lived the things you've missed because You spent a year looking for the TV remote... DP ********* "Blue" The misty blue of the ripe blueberry tempts me to pluck it from the stem... Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow e-i, e-i, o. XX ********* That concludes this issue's portion of Dumb Poetry in a Card Type Trash. As you can plainly see, it has nothing to do with greeting cards. Well, this has been a blast. Unfortunately, a huge slug has invaded our computers and we will no longer be able to bring you "Farm Macheenery (exploding)". Well, it was good while it lasted. Oh, never mind that last comment. The slug has disappeared down a deep, dark hole. Stay tuned for more exploding farm machinery--oops, forgot the name of our own magazine! Farm Macheenery (exploding). Thanks to all of you demented people who subscribed. Tell your friends, enemies, and politicians about FME, and we'll be back next week with issue #2. Okay, you can go now. Really, you can. The magazine is over. Go on! You have more important stuff to do!